Evey year I try to take a personal retreat...
That time to sit down and re-evaluate the past year.
What did I do right,
What did I do wrong,
What would I change,
What would I not do again,
And what should I keep and focus on.
I prefer to do this "retreat" on some tropical Island....
Surrounded by the sound of the ocean,
The smells of the Tropic's,
The sun in my eyes....
The sand under my toes...
I believe firmly that this retreat plays a key role in my personal development.
It helps me to re-focus and address those area's in my life that are out of sync.
Interestingly enough as much as I believe in this process,
It was something I have been neglecting to do.
Maybe I was lazy....
Or maybe I figured I was doing just fine...
or maybe I was scared to really take a good look and see my own reality....
What ever the reason...
It was a failure on my part not to take the time to meet with myself and set my life goals...
I was headed full steam down a very rocky slope when I pulled the emergency break and took my most recent detour....
The intent was to get away for a couple week's...
To sleep, and relax....
To drink some fun drinks...
work on my tan...
And soak up what ever I could of the "island time" mentality....
It was to be the perfect "recovery" escape post Ultra.
So August 19 in the wee hours of the morning I was carted off to the Air Port to begin my pilgrimage to "relaxation".... which in reality became a series of interesting mishaps....
and lessons in my own life....
Without going into too much detail (as I have a whole other post to write about the hilarity of this trip) I feel the need to share the following:
I have always believed that unless you state your intentions for all to hear you will not see them come to reality.
It is with the support of others around you,
Who respect, believe, and understand your desires...
That you will find success in life.
In the past months and years I have lost focus of those things that make me special.
My love and passion for people and real estate dwindled...
And I became bitter and negative....
Emotions I am not comfortable with, nor do I understand...
I was looking for an escape...
And pointing blame in every direction but at myself...
I believe strongly that the only way you can truly fail others is by failing yourself first...
and in this instance I failed myself miserably.
I had let go of those things that make me.... me.
I had lost sight of what was most important....
And I started to fall...
The more I fell the harder I scrambled to bring it back together...
I was drowning and did not know enough to stop and ask for someone to toss me a life raft....
And for those who did... I did not know enough to grab hold and take the support that was offered....
I am a stubborn woman....
I have come to realize in the past 2 years I have pushed away everything I held dear....
And my reasons were not for glory and success....
But rather because I was not willing to put myself out there enough to allow the potential for hurt.
I have lost 2 years, friendships, clients, and the potential for great love because I was too stubborn to let down these walls and allow someone close enough to my heart to actually get to know me.
To expose my vulnerabilities and trust people enough to know they would not use them against me as I have seen in the past...
I stopped being true to myself...
I was lonely.... alone.... and working my way towards empty.....
I filled every waking moment with Work...
I turned down and cancelled on friends constantly....
I stopped my adventure runs....
I stopped going to the gym... because it was easier to not draw attention to myself with a few extra pounds on my body....
I stopped singing...
And I stopped growing as a person....
It wasn't until the very last week of my pilgrimage, and one amazingly special friendship that I realized just how terribly I had failed myself....
So on that very last day in Miami, as I laid by the pool...
Alone in the sunshine....
I took the time to re-evaluate where I was headed...
What I wanted life to be...
And how I was going to achieve that...
I know that this is not going to be easy...
I have spent 7 years in a protective mode...
With walls so thick it would be impossible to bring them down...
but I am ready...
I am tired of living this life at arms length...
I am ready to break down some of these walls' and start letting people back in...
I am ready to start living my life once again....
Really living...
To embracing friendships...
To being vulnerable....
To finding love....
I am ready to set some rules for my work life so that I can have a life outside...
So I can be a more complete person...
I am ready to start learning and growing again....
We have been blessed with an amazing life...
And a great big world to explore...
And I am ready to embrace it....
For I know,
That as I grow in myself...
I will be more complete...
A better friend...
Employee...
Sister...
Daughter...
Lover...
I'm nervous... excited... and prepared for the work ahead....
Because I know it will be worth it...
Life Changing....
and this time the life I'm changing is my own....
