Fear Itself....

Do you ever have one of those moments where you just want to scream... WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF???
I'm there... I've been there for a long time....
Although I seem to be pretty good at ignoring my fear and just merely existing.

To be honest,
I'm not 100% certain what it is exactly I am so afraid of....
I have many fears, all lined up... creating one big ball of Lisa mess....
Not just one... but several....
Yes...
I can admit it....
I hold my self back because I have a fear of success....
I also have a fear of failure...
I have let myself morph into a frumpy, chubby person because I have a fear of falling in love...
I also have a fear of being hurt, along with a fear of being manipulated, lied to, and worst of all....
having my trust broken...
I am fearful of being a friend... for those exact reasons....
I am afraid that if I let someone too close they may not really like me, they may laugh.... they may hurt me....

I have a fear of making a bad decision.... so I therefore cannot seem to make a decision...
I have a fear of hurting someone... but.... because I'm so good at not being a friend... I continually seem to hurt someone....

But my biggest fear of all...
Is letting go of these fears....

Allowing myself to excel in my career,
Allowing myself to be a good friend...
To fall in love...
to lose this weight that makes it so easy to hide behind...

Yes I have a fear... of letting go of fear....
Yet... I have to face that fear....So tomorrow...
I will once again lace up.... and I will resume this journey I seem to have stalled....
This journey of self discovery, of self betterment....
Of self fulfillment....

I will lace up.... and I will charge forward....
I may not be able to release the fear's... but slowly.... one day at a time...
I will start climbing some of those mountains that are holding me back from being better than I am today.....
Because at the root of it all....
I have a fear of never being better than I am in this moment...
Of never losing the weight...
Being alone...
Being a failure...
And most of all....
Letting my fears win.