Christmas Moments.....

The world outside is still....
Frozen...
And bitter....
The scent of fresh coffee permeates...
The warm glow of the fire place is enhanced by the lights on the little tree that sits...
Unadorned....
The girls are cuddled with new "babies"....
Cozied up to the hearth....
It's Christmas morning.....
A day to be shared with family, friends and laughter....
Full of warmth and love....
Yet...
I cannot help but feel a tug....
This is my first Christmas alone....
The first time I have no family near...
Though we spent time celebrating together....
There is something about Christmas day...
Something about the traditions...
The Celebration of Family...
Friendships...
Togetherness...
Christs birth....
That makes this day seem a little more alone with out them here....
And I am more aware of those lives around me...
Those who may not have the same love for this day...
The memories...
The family Love...
The feeling of togetherness....
Those who wake up...
To just another day....
And my heart is sad....
For although I may be physically alone this Christmas morning...
I am blessed....
blessed by a life full of love...
Family...
Friendship....
And a life time of warm memories to make me smile.....
So for a few moment's...
I'll embrace this little tug....
For this is just a moment....
Because I know...
No matter how far apart we may all be...
I am never truly alone...
I am loved....
And that is the greatest gift that anyone could ever receive....

Wolf Willow.....

It's a feeling....
That first deep breath laced with the winter chill.....
Filling your lung's...
Reaching through to every inch of your body....

The peace of the twilight settling around you....
The serenity of the frozen land...
The stillness of the wood's...
The majesty of the ice covered river...
Silently flowing deep below...

The laughter of friendship....
The words shared...
That deep bond that comes from  suffering... living... breathing....

It's the knowledge that each muscle will bite and complain tomorrow...
That each step will remind you that you were unkind....
The feeling of weakness leaving...
Strength building...
Strength of body...
Strength of mind....

And with every ache...
Every silent protest from each muscle....
It's the reminder of that beautiful moment...
Blessed by the stillness of the winters night...
And the companionship of a good friend....
Knowing that in that moment...
You were the best you that you could be....
You pushed your limit...
And you were alive....

human after all...

It was an Innocent thing...
One of those silly conversations that you have with a friend describing why you are the way you are...
Or in this case...
Why I deserved the eye candy more than he did...
And as we listed off all our faults...
In my true competitive fashion...
I just kept going...
My brain...
My heart...
In silence...
Kept going...
And as the list got longer and longer...
I began to think...
Wow...
Is this who I have really become....
Are all these feelings...
Descriptive word's who I really am now??
Where did I go?
And how did I lose sight of my true heart...
The person I really am...
The girls who was carefree...
Trusting...
All Loving...
Quick to laugh...
Quicker to hug....
And always ready to forgive and forget...
Where did she go...
And where did this bitter...
Cynical...
Hard old woman come from....
Did it happen overnight...
Or have I slowly allowed myself to build these walls and create this new self?
So tonight....
I am taking a moment....
To really stop and think...
To feel...
To dig deep and remind myself who I am...
To make a list...
Not of the bad...
But rather of the good...
The things that are at the heart...
The things I have hidden away for so long...
Out of fear....
Self Preservation....
Maybe even weakness....
Things to build me up...
Instead of tear me down....
Things to remind me of who I really am...
And where I come from....
Because just like I'm searching for Balance in my work life...
It is time I find Balance in my own personal life...
A way to be the vulnerable...
Real...
Human version of myself...
With the ability to hold just enough back for those whom I trust the most....

So...
To that one friend...
Thanks...
Maybe it was time I actually put that terrible list into words...
Even if I thought I was joking...
I will take every single one of them back now...
You win...
You can be the worst...
But in reality...
Maybe for a small moment...
For tonight...
For one baby step...
Maybe I won...

http://youtu.be/96-P6eUjHXE 


I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.