human after all...

It was an Innocent thing...
One of those silly conversations that you have with a friend describing why you are the way you are...
Or in this case...
Why I deserved the eye candy more than he did...
And as we listed off all our faults...
In my true competitive fashion...
I just kept going...
My brain...
My heart...
In silence...
Kept going...
And as the list got longer and longer...
I began to think...
Wow...
Is this who I have really become....
Are all these feelings...
Descriptive word's who I really am now??
Where did I go?
And how did I lose sight of my true heart...
The person I really am...
The girls who was carefree...
Trusting...
All Loving...
Quick to laugh...
Quicker to hug....
And always ready to forgive and forget...
Where did she go...
And where did this bitter...
Cynical...
Hard old woman come from....
Did it happen overnight...
Or have I slowly allowed myself to build these walls and create this new self?
So tonight....
I am taking a moment....
To really stop and think...
To feel...
To dig deep and remind myself who I am...
To make a list...
Not of the bad...
But rather of the good...
The things that are at the heart...
The things I have hidden away for so long...
Out of fear....
Self Preservation....
Maybe even weakness....
Things to build me up...
Instead of tear me down....
Things to remind me of who I really am...
And where I come from....
Because just like I'm searching for Balance in my work life...
It is time I find Balance in my own personal life...
A way to be the vulnerable...
Real...
Human version of myself...
With the ability to hold just enough back for those whom I trust the most....

So...
To that one friend...
Thanks...
Maybe it was time I actually put that terrible list into words...
Even if I thought I was joking...
I will take every single one of them back now...
You win...
You can be the worst...
But in reality...
Maybe for a small moment...
For tonight...
For one baby step...
Maybe I won...

http://youtu.be/96-P6eUjHXE 


I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.