30 days and two heart aches ago....

Day 30 in the mac....
It's been a long time since I've had the desire to blog... the notion to share something about myself...
Maybe because I was lost....
Maybe because the idea of sharing my own thoughts was scaring me...
Maybe because the thoughts were no longer my own....

I came to Fort Mac just to sell a project...
To get away for a few weeks and re-ignite my passion for my career...
My waning career...
Thoughts of self doubt had crept in...
I had lost my passion for what I did...
My love for my clients...
My desire to serve...
And more than that...
My passion for myself...
I let myself go....

Looking back it was a long time in the making...
I can tell you the last time I wore my favorite perfume...
felt beautiful...
Carefree....
Strong....
Independent...
Laughed with real joy... until my sides hurt and my eyes teared... 
I can tell you the day it stopped....
Where I was..
What I was doing....
And I can tell you the moment I buried myself in my work...
My escape from reality...

I came to Fort Mac to save a project from losing a contract...
I did not come to find myself again...
To learn to laugh at myself gain...
To find the trails and feel free...
I came to sell.
Like a robot...
To refill my depleting bank account...
I came to escape my office...
the pressures of life...
and to prove to myself I could sell again....

What I found in this town shocked me...
even now...
I find I am amazed at the transformation in my heart in the past 30 day's...

My passion is alive... but it's focus has shifted.
I love what I do...
But more than that...
I have come to find that I love me...
I love who I am...
the quirks that make me... me...
I love my life... of running, riding and laughing....
I had forgotten just how good it was to laugh....
even if it were at myself late at night....
The idea that I can find joy...
In just being who I am...

I'm ready to shed this darkness I've surrounded myself with...
To shine again....
because that is where I belong...

Yes... Fort Mac... I will miss your hill's...
Your trails...
My adventures....
But I am leaving with a precious gift...
And I promise never to lose sight....