Catalyst....

Where do you go when your perception does not meet your reality....

When you think you’re an integral part....

And yet, time has shown you your value has been easily replaced....

How do you hold on to that hearts desire...

The thing you longed most for...

How do you make your perception a reality?

I don’t know about anyone else...

But this girl takes a good long look at herself...

And then decides if her hearts desire is still her “hearts desire”....

The excitement...

The anticipation of what will come....

If it’s no longer there does it really change things???

No....

No, it doesn’t....

Because these things were nothing more then a perception...

An anticipation...

But not yet a reality....

And if they are not your reality...

Yours to build on...

That is ok....

You make a new reality....

A new adventure...

You create a new path for your soul to soar across....

Something that is yours to hold onto...

With anticipation...

The dreams....

The excitement of what is to come....

Life takes turns...

Ups,

Downs....

Sometimes we think one thing...

We believe we are a value to something...

And the reality is we were not originally considered in the design....

We were a catalyst and nothing more...

And that is ok....

Because even catalysts are important...

Catalyst:

3. a person or thing that precipitates an event or change: His imprisonment by the government served as the catalyst that helped transform social unrest into revolution.

4.

a person whose talk, enthusiasm, or energy causes others to be more friendly, enthusiastic, or energetic.

Yes.....

In this life...

I should be so lucky as to be considered a catalyst.....

Ghosts.....

BP’s....

Tropical Chicken pizza, with extra black olives and jalapenos.....

Crushed red peppershakers and Parm Cheese....

Not the real parm... oh no.... that’s not good enough....

The cheap powder that gets clumped up in the shaker.....

The largest glass of horrible red wine possible.....

While you’re at it.... Lets make that 2 glasses of red.... and a warm ginger cake chaser.....

Monday night wings.....

The crispy breaded salt and pepper kind...

With hot sauce and blue cheese for dipping....

A side Cesar salad.... with another LARGE glass of red wine....

Mini doughnuts with caramel sauce and powdered sugar.... more wine for dessert....

Enough to make you fuzzy around the edges....

Deep fried pickles and hot fudge Sundays.....

Beer.....

I’ve not had pizza.... my BP’s date in over 2 years.....

My Monday night Wings and wine in a full year

Dessert..... only a few times in this past year.....

It’s been over 18 months since I went vegetarian and 10 months Vegan....

Yet tonight....

As the snow swirled around....

I passed and old haunting of mine....

A few blocks from my loved (and often missed) little condo....

BP’s....

Pizza called my name as I recalled a night a few years back... where the roads were crappy....

The snow piling up....

And I pulled in for a personal pizza and wine....

It was there that I saw a future vision of myself....

Me with my nora roberts book waiting for my pizza.....

A woman... maybe 30 years older then me....

Shoulder length blonde hair....

Dressed up for a date....

A date with herself...

Wine....

And a book.....

As I got up to leave she stopped me....

Asked me if we knew each other....

Maybe she saw in me what I was seeing in her....

A vision of ourselves.....

In a different life...

A different stage.....

Still lonely.....

But not alone.....

I left that night not knowing the impact that vision would have on me....

How a few years later I would drive by that exact same spot....

Craving a taste of my old life....

And seeing a vision of what could be....

As I sit here at my kitchen table with my vegan pattie and salad long since gone....

I’m still feeling her hand on my arm...

The sad look in her eye....

And I recall the promise I made myself....

I may choose to live life single...

But I will never choose to live my life alone...

When the numbers fail

Friday.....

The most feared day....

A day of truth.....

Naked...

Brutal...

Honest....

Truth....

No hiding....

No lies....

No, one more bite, I’ll work it off tomorrow....

Fridays tell the naked, naked truth....

Of success...

Of failure...

Of honest weeks, and sinful moments....

Fridays....

I started this program 2 months ago.....

Strict, clean eating....

Training....

And naked Fridays....

This week I looked to Friday with excitement.

I had upped my training intensity.

I had major successes in the gym and in the conditioning class I joined....

My diet had been flawless....

And I knew.... Friday would bring me rewards....

Beyond imagination...

I was ready to blow my mentors mind with my numbers....

Inches lost....

Pounds melted away....

And then came Friday...

Without a change....

Except the pounds that added themselves to my weigh in...

The inches remaining stubbornly on my body....

Every muscle screaming, “We are sore.... and for what????”

My heart breaking a little as I sat down to write my weekly report....

An email filled with frustration....

The anger at being the fat girl...

The one who doesn’t take the moment to indulge with everyone else...

Who stay on the strict meal plans...

Who does her best to train with her whole heart...

To leave the gym...the trail... with nothing left...

100% spent....

The girl who took all wine out of her house to ensure there would be no temptations....

After a long morning of mentally defeating myself....

I realized....

I didn’t loose....

There was no defeat.....

The scale happens sometimes....

But this week....

I know...

I pushed harder....

I got stronger....

I got faster....

I found my vision again....

The belief in my goal....

My passion was re-ignited...

100 time over....

And as I prepare to get my ass handed to me in my “Dojoyoass” conditioning class I know....

I’m on target.....

I may never be a skinny girl.....

But I can be a strong woman...

A woman of endurance...

Self value....

And strong spirit....

So....

Even when the numbers may fail...

This athlete’s heart still wins....