The fine art of being totally confused....

I'm 36 years old....
In the past 4 years I've had 2 relationships...
Well.... essentially one relationship and one fumble....
I've heard it all....
Your too good for me...
You deserve better...
When I find someone better I hope you and I can still be friends....
(that one was one of the most shockingly creative)....
Your too focused on your career...
Your too intimidating....
Your time will come....
There is a guy out there for you....
Maybe you are meant to be single and fierce...
To be honest....
Being single didn't bother me near as much as it bothered those around me....
I'm unclear why a successful single woman is a threat...
Yes I had moments where I wondered why I wasn't good enough....
But 85% of the time I didn't even notice.....
And then in the midst of my mid life crisis...
There is someone...
A warm smile..
A kind heart...
And potential....
Beyond the amazing friendship that has become....
And I'm clueless....
In the past 4 years I've held 2 relationships...
Well.... essentially one relationship and one fumble....
And both of these have been long distance....
The kind where you see each other once every 3 weeks for 3ish day's...
And you spend that time together...
So how does one go about this dating thing?
Is there a rule book for how to not bumble a "thing"....
How to effectively transition from single... independent...
to something else...
Without becoming co-dependent?
Can you remain independent as a "couple"??
How do you squish this longing to spend every waking moment learning all you can about that person??
And how do you know your on the same path???
The same page of the journey....
Does it just somehow magically come together...
How does someone who throws herself into everything with reckless abandon slow down???
All these questions have me doubting the sanity of entering this strange world....
Yet on the other side is a smile...
A warm hug...
And a friendship that means the world....

Cold bath water... and letters that go nowhere.....

I have cold bath water....
It's one of those strange side effects that come from trying to construct the perfect...
Conversational...
And Witty...
Yet sharing some convictions and observations...
While being jovial...
Type emails...
Not one of those deep emails where you eloquently get your point across...
Dear Joe,
Your a moron.
xoxo
Lisa
Rather one of those emails that comes from spending an awesome day...
Just loving life....
And wanting to gush it all out....
A conversation meant for the ears of a good friend...
A cherished one....
You know... that one person that you long to share your moments with the most.....
Sadly....
This has left me with deflated bubbles...
Cool water...
And the longing for my nightly ritual of un-wind....
Soften....
And feminize with amazing scented lotions....
So you can go to bed feeling beautiful...
And smelling fantastic....
It's a Bizarre ritual...
But it is mine none the less....
I so look forward to my nightly bath....
The bubbles...
The scent freshly selected....
The glass of wine... (or tea)....
And a good book...
Something I can lose myself in for a few moments.....
As I soak my tired body in a pool of fragrant heat....
But tonight....
I have cold bath water.....
And as I sit here in my bed....
With my replacement heating pad...
Silky Jammies and some beautiful perfume....
I am not fooled....
For I know...
I have missed a sacred ritual....
My loyalty to the bath is wavering...
Being replaced by my desire to reach out and share about my day.....
You'd think I learn....
As this is not the first occurrence....
But once again...
On this very night....
I have cold bath water....

Joker.....

It's a strange ritual....

The art of beautification....
Using a mask of colours to try and hide what is really there....
I've stopped using make-up....
Ok...
Not 100% stopped....
I wear eye-liner and mascara....
That's it....
nothing more...
sometimes WAY less....
I have not been styling my hair....
The only ritual I've kept is smelling good....
And keeping my skin soft....
Should someone decide to caress it.....
I work in a man's world...
the princess look just doesn't work....
But today....
I took that extra step....
I added powder....
A little shine to my eye lid's...
And Heaven forbid....
Hairspray.....
I took my time selecting my mascara....
(yes I have more than one.....)
I tried to cover the tired bags under my eyes....
And I enhanced my lips with liner and gloss....
Today is a girls day...
And I'm going to look like a girl....
Smell like a girl....
feel like a girl....
I have selected feminine lingerie...
a comfortable... yet cute outfit....
I'm lotion-ed...
And silky....
I feel 110% wonderful....
Yet...
Why is it...
When I look at myself in the mirror I feel like I'm looking at a clown???
What I once considered beautiful feels so foreign....
I mean I only used Heaths photo as a mild suggestion of application....
Either way...
The damage is done....

Longing.....

Tonight....
My heart is longing for home....
That special place...
Where I am renewed...
Restored...
Where I draw my comfort,.....
My strength....

It all started with a head ache....
After MANY "pain reducing aides"...
And one big salad with grilled chicken....
I realized I just needed out...
I needed fresh air....
To circulate with the living...
So I freshened up and set out...
Under the "guise" of buying meat for the week...
A new book I had my eye on...
And a silly gift for a friend....
I decided to stop at a favorite restaurant and enjoy a light supper....
As I sat in my regular chair...
The cute waiter right away recognized me and asked about the new book I was reading....
He bought the last one I had came in with and sent it to his sister in Australia....
And it just felt good...
To be recognized...
And even though it's his job...
Flirted with....
For that moment to feel special...
Beautiful...
As I sat at the white quartzite counter I watched the snow swirl around outside...
Creating a serene backdrop for my evening out...
Transporting me to another time...
Another place....
And I felt that old tug....
The tug the home of my heart....
I could see the mountains rise up in the parking lot outside...
I could feel the crisp Canmore air on my face....
I could taste the wine...
The warmth of the outdoor hot tub....
I was transported to a moment years ago...
When the girls were allowed to join me...
Sitting outside in the dark on the patio...
My furry babies cuddled at my feet...
Watching the moon....
Drinking a beautiful red wine...
Stillness...
The laughter at the family of squirrels tormenting the girls through the patio glass on a spring morning....
The feeling of joy that only a hard hike could bring...
Long before I knew what trail running was...
When I hiked and ran for the enjoyment...
The healing....
Tonight...
In my heart...
I am longing to go home...
To find my strength...
To laugh....
To share an adventure with my mountains....
And to come back to the real world...
Refreshed...
Renewed...
And 100% me.....

Outside the box.... an adventure in the pagentry of applying for jobs...

"Thinking outside the box..."
The email said....
"I've decided to put the onus on you to tell me why you feel you should qualify for an interview...."
It went on to suggest we research the position, the company and so on and write an essay (ok maybe not an essay... but I used my own discretion on interpretation) on why we feel we are the right candidate and what our salary expectations would be.....
I considered this email all week....
Feeling more like a contestant in the Miss America Pageant, than an applicant...
"Well Ryan" because we all know Ryan Seacrest would be hosting... he host's everything...
"My solution to global warming is simple, we all wear smaller bikini's"....
leading into to my talent....
Singing and tap dancing yellow polka dot bikini....Which also would totally cover the swimsuit portion for me.... Sheer brilliance... the male judges would score me 10's and Donald Trump would leave Marlena and I'd be famous.... as the girl who stole the Trump and the crown....
Then we would immediately commence plastic surgery and hair plugs for the Donald....
......
As I considered all the interesting way's I could promote myself....
I began to think...
Who asks someone to explain why they feel they are a team player...
And a leader...
And why they should get the job...
in an email format....
And that's when the "thinking outside the box"....
really struck me...
if he can "think outside the box"...
Why should I respond in such a canned response...
Dear Sir,
I'm a perfect fit for your amazing company.
I will not only strive to help grow your company, but I will lead and love your employee's...
I'm perfect in every aspect...
I am organized...
Neat...
Perfect at sales...
Never have a bad day...
And I smell great. (ok this part is true... I really do smell great!!)
As Far as Salary, please don't pay me...
In fact.... I think I should be paying you....

Anyone can write that.....
So as I settled in with my 4th cup of coffee....
a mild caffeine buzz....
And way too many hours in the truck to really consider my response I began a master piece that took me 1.5 hours to create and tweak.....
I began with the response...
Dear Joe
(you may want a fresh cup of coffee for this email. It's a long one!!)
***names have been changed to protect the innocent... and my potential employer.... because after this email he is TOTALLY gonna hire me!!!***


"I've been considering your request all week while driving. I want you to know, first, I understand that my response is not going to be 100% what you were asking for. I've decided to be a little more personal. I would like to tell you about me, who I am, what I do  for fun, and what is most important to me.
I think it would be very easy, for someone who has such a strong sales and marketing background, to tell you what I think you want to hear in order to get me a job. I'm going to include some references that you can contact that will tell you about me, being a team player, how I work, how I train, and how I am as a trainee. That will give you a more honest perspective from people who have nothing to gain from talking to you."

Pretty good so far right.....
And then the real Lisa takes over....
I went on to talk about my first employer....
And how he developed in me a passion for construction... training me from the ground up. I mean, I learned everything from "The God Father"... how to build road's... how to fight at community hall meetings... how to build superior product and how to sue people for defamation of character (It's Chicago we all sue everyone).....
Somewhere between Chicago and being recruited for a Condo Conversion in Tennessee I fell of track...
I told stories of flees, my brown Recluse Spider named Fred, The fine art of designer wear in the Kenworth, and how I want to create a stable home environment for my dog's....
I considered including photos...
But decided I already looked crazy enough....
Especially when I closed my essay including a paragraph about how I'm currently facing my mid-life crisis...

I am 100% convinced a this point I WILL be called for an interview....
Based on the quality of my essay...
The broad range of content...
And the total entertainment value....

After being self employed for so many year's I had no idea that the job application process could be so exhausting....
Now I need to find a bikini and clear plastic stripper heel's for my interview....
Although....
If I were the employer I would just hire me on the spot...
No interview needed....
because this application Kicked every other essay applicant's ass!

Old roots...

They said I would find it when I was ready.....
That like an old friend...
It would reach into the depths of my soul....
It would pull out the broken...
Th empty...
And it would heal...
It would fill...
It would replace the scars...
The bruises...
With tenderness...
Joy....
Strength.....
They said....
When I was ready....
If I was open...
It would return....
And my life would feel full once again....
I've been running...
Running for so long...
Running from the pain...
From humiliation...
Running for the healing...
Running for freedom...
The passion I lacked...
Became my reason to run....
And as my fire for running began to wain....
As it got emptier...
And the steps more laborious...
It came...
Like a slow dawn....
It gently crept into my soul....
And took hold...
And each day...
It grew...
Like the warming of the sun after a chilly spring night...
And like an old... trusted friend...
It wrapped itself around me....
For it had never left...
I had just stopped listening....
Stopped feeling it....
Replacing the love with the fear...
Of how it made me feel...

They said...
When I was ready...
When I was strong enough...
When I was open enough...
It would come back....
And it would heal...
And I would grow...
And that fire would return...
Combining both my passions into one amazing experience...
Running with the music....
They said...
And they were right....
And for them...
Who stood by...
And waited...
Silently willing me back to my roots...
And to those who never knew what it once was...
But brought it back...
Thank you...
For I'm ready....
Ready to embrace that stage once again....
Because some gift's...
Are too precious...
And no matter what time does...
Or others say...
It cannot be taken away....

They said....
And they were right....
And I'm forever grateful....

New Years... With Ben and his top 10...

Bathed...
Shaved...
Polished....
Moisturized....
Silky soft soft....
Feminine....
And happy....
I prepared with anticipation....
I knew my plans were falling apart....
I knew I was at the root of things....
But I was hoping...
On a shoe string...
That things would resolve themselves........
And I would enjoy this one evening...
That for the past 5 years has been just another night....
And that is what found me at 11:38 pm.....
Alone....
In my big bed....
On new years eve....

So as I watched Ben count down the top 10 Star Scandals that shook the world....
I began to re-assess....
I don't believe in New Years Resolutions....
On average 88% of all resolutions are not kept...
They are a token symbol of what were are supposed to do...
One night a year....
Making that list that we dream we will achieve in the new year....
Yet, we don't follow through....
Because it's not a commitment to ourselves......
Its a wish list....
Based on a Tradition......

As I watched about the Brad, Angelina, and Jen love triangle.... YET again....
I began to wonder....
What would I really like to see in my life this year....
What could I commit to changing....
If I could make a list of the top 10 things that I would focus on for one year....
Commit to improving....
Really Commit....
What would they be??

Looking back on the past year I have already made some big changes....
And I feel sometimes I'm still reeling from the decisions of m so called "mid life crisis"...
Yet,
The past 6 weeks have left me happier....
More relaxed.....
And more grounded than I have been in Years....
So obviously I am on the right track....

Looking back at the changes in my life in the past 4 Months I know that there are still some area's that have huge questions marks....
Which.... for a girl... that is always in control....
Is interesting....
The uncertainty....
The exploration of what really will fit into my life....
And most recently the building of deep connections....
The bond's with others that leave me a little vulnerable...
Exposed...
And totally uncomfortable....

SO what... you may ask.... does this list look like for me?
Well...
It's still evolving....
But I know a few things for certain.....
1. I am going to find my niche in this new career field....
Because Security and stability, combined with life balance are the main reason I  started down this road.  Not only will I find it, but I will continue to expand and grow, because that is my nature. I will not put myself down if I should take a wrong path, or learn a few hard lessons along the way... because those are the bumps that build character.

2. I want to build more connections. I have lived the past 10 years hiding behind my walls... so that no one could really get to me... hurt me. I have also found that I have let people in and, as a woman in protection mode... I have severed the relationship before I could give enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. I am tired of living behind my own fears, of hurt and rejection.

3. This self proclaimed single girl is longing for something more. I have had a glimpse of just how wonderful life can be with an amazing partner. And that is something I desire. To spend my moments with someone who makes me laugh, who believes in me, and who desires to be with me, regardless of my quirks. Someone who is willing to understand that this is a huge step for me... and is willing to let me fall flat on my face, and still want to be there the next morning. I'm tossing out that list, you know... the one that says if he is all this he will be the perfect mate... I'm letting go.... to find what I really long for... that best friend.... to share this crazy adventure of life with.
I think this realization scares me the most... because it is the one that can hurt the most....
And it will hurt, as I learn and grow.... but I'm willing to take that on, for a few moments of feeling like I belonged to someone special.

4. Running....cycling...exploring.... in my mind... I have dreams... goals....races to be run.... but in my heart... I just want to  get back to the simplicity that is running for the pure joy of running....
The adventure that awaits around the corner... the exhilaration that comes from exploring a new path... pushing myself beyond my limits....and just being free. This year I will focus on running.... and cycling... for me... and nothing more. If I choose to race, I will race.... But I will not spend my months focused on a race.... and stressing about the miles I'm not getting in.... when the real reason I started running in the first place, was to bring myself to a place of healing....

OK so maybe I don't really have a top 10....
But what I do have is a common theme....
I have learned in the past 4 months more about people...
Relationships...
and myself...
Then I have learned the past 5 years combined....
And the biggest part of this is learning to just accept and love me...
To be real...
With my connections...
And to believe that the impossible can happen....
To live each day with laughter...
And Joy....
To embrace the things that hurt a little...
and learn from them.....
And to end everyday knowing that I was the best version of me that I could possibly be that day....
I guess that is the real key....
And who knows...
Maybe next year I will share that magical kiss at midnight...
Moving forward into a new year with a partner...
a focus on my career...
And the Joy that comes from living without restrictions....
Because one more year with Ben... and his top 10...
Is one more year too many!!!