New Years... With Ben and his top 10...

Bathed...
Shaved...
Polished....
Moisturized....
Silky soft soft....
Feminine....
And happy....
I prepared with anticipation....
I knew my plans were falling apart....
I knew I was at the root of things....
But I was hoping...
On a shoe string...
That things would resolve themselves........
And I would enjoy this one evening...
That for the past 5 years has been just another night....
And that is what found me at 11:38 pm.....
Alone....
In my big bed....
On new years eve....

So as I watched Ben count down the top 10 Star Scandals that shook the world....
I began to re-assess....
I don't believe in New Years Resolutions....
On average 88% of all resolutions are not kept...
They are a token symbol of what were are supposed to do...
One night a year....
Making that list that we dream we will achieve in the new year....
Yet, we don't follow through....
Because it's not a commitment to ourselves......
Its a wish list....
Based on a Tradition......

As I watched about the Brad, Angelina, and Jen love triangle.... YET again....
I began to wonder....
What would I really like to see in my life this year....
What could I commit to changing....
If I could make a list of the top 10 things that I would focus on for one year....
Commit to improving....
Really Commit....
What would they be??

Looking back on the past year I have already made some big changes....
And I feel sometimes I'm still reeling from the decisions of m so called "mid life crisis"...
Yet,
The past 6 weeks have left me happier....
More relaxed.....
And more grounded than I have been in Years....
So obviously I am on the right track....

Looking back at the changes in my life in the past 4 Months I know that there are still some area's that have huge questions marks....
Which.... for a girl... that is always in control....
Is interesting....
The uncertainty....
The exploration of what really will fit into my life....
And most recently the building of deep connections....
The bond's with others that leave me a little vulnerable...
Exposed...
And totally uncomfortable....

SO what... you may ask.... does this list look like for me?
Well...
It's still evolving....
But I know a few things for certain.....
1. I am going to find my niche in this new career field....
Because Security and stability, combined with life balance are the main reason I  started down this road.  Not only will I find it, but I will continue to expand and grow, because that is my nature. I will not put myself down if I should take a wrong path, or learn a few hard lessons along the way... because those are the bumps that build character.

2. I want to build more connections. I have lived the past 10 years hiding behind my walls... so that no one could really get to me... hurt me. I have also found that I have let people in and, as a woman in protection mode... I have severed the relationship before I could give enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. I am tired of living behind my own fears, of hurt and rejection.

3. This self proclaimed single girl is longing for something more. I have had a glimpse of just how wonderful life can be with an amazing partner. And that is something I desire. To spend my moments with someone who makes me laugh, who believes in me, and who desires to be with me, regardless of my quirks. Someone who is willing to understand that this is a huge step for me... and is willing to let me fall flat on my face, and still want to be there the next morning. I'm tossing out that list, you know... the one that says if he is all this he will be the perfect mate... I'm letting go.... to find what I really long for... that best friend.... to share this crazy adventure of life with.
I think this realization scares me the most... because it is the one that can hurt the most....
And it will hurt, as I learn and grow.... but I'm willing to take that on, for a few moments of feeling like I belonged to someone special.

4. Running....cycling...exploring.... in my mind... I have dreams... goals....races to be run.... but in my heart... I just want to  get back to the simplicity that is running for the pure joy of running....
The adventure that awaits around the corner... the exhilaration that comes from exploring a new path... pushing myself beyond my limits....and just being free. This year I will focus on running.... and cycling... for me... and nothing more. If I choose to race, I will race.... But I will not spend my months focused on a race.... and stressing about the miles I'm not getting in.... when the real reason I started running in the first place, was to bring myself to a place of healing....

OK so maybe I don't really have a top 10....
But what I do have is a common theme....
I have learned in the past 4 months more about people...
Relationships...
and myself...
Then I have learned the past 5 years combined....
And the biggest part of this is learning to just accept and love me...
To be real...
With my connections...
And to believe that the impossible can happen....
To live each day with laughter...
And Joy....
To embrace the things that hurt a little...
and learn from them.....
And to end everyday knowing that I was the best version of me that I could possibly be that day....
I guess that is the real key....
And who knows...
Maybe next year I will share that magical kiss at midnight...
Moving forward into a new year with a partner...
a focus on my career...
And the Joy that comes from living without restrictions....
Because one more year with Ben... and his top 10...
Is one more year too many!!!