72 hours of resolutions....

Tonight I’m celebrating my own New Years....

That’s right.... 4 nights early.....

Tomorrow I will embark on my first timed adventure....

72 hours of unknown.....

I may or may not be trained enough....

Leaning more towards the may not....

I am in no way in the best shape of my life....

But I am drawing from something much deeper....

A resolve to become better....

A better version of who I am at this exact moment....

I’ve been feeling this change coming for months now....

The dissatisfaction with where my life was sitting currently.

The need to grow....

To become more...

Better...

To laugh more...

To love more...

To bring joy to more people....

To let go of the negativity that has found me in recent months...

The weight that drags you down...

So....

This year my resolutions are simple...

And I’m on my way....

Starting tomorrow...

I resolve to become a better version of me...

To love without restrictions...

To support without wavering...

To be a person worthy of trust...

To respect and value those around me...

To be open to learning...

To continue to grow in my nutrition goals...

To commit to my training plan currently mapped out...

And to embrace the training and leadership of the many amazing runners who are so willing to give guidance......

To be a better daughter and sister....

And to live the year with no regrets.

I believe 100% in my heart that this best new life will start tomorrow...

That this race has brought me to this moment....

Or maybe this moment has brought me to this race....

And as I take my first steps....

Struggle through the walls... the highs and lows....

Each breath I will dedicate to building a better me....

To digging deep... moving forward when I want to stop....

Embracing the moments of pain and letting go when I need to...

To finding that inner calm... and embracing all that is there...

The memories... the anger and fears... the hurt and rejections...

To confront each head on... and burn through them... releasing each burden...

Lightening my emotional load...

It is said to make a change you must be open.... you must be willing...

You must be ready....

Hello Change.... I am waiting for you.... I am ready!

The art of not finding a man at the gym....

I've traded in my outside shoes for a treadmill....
Now, before you judge, hear me out....
I'm a true Canadian girl... born in Alberta, suffered through years of Saskatchewan winters....
Heck... at -36 with 5 feet of snow my sister and I would stand outside to see if our farts gave off steam...
You don't get any more Canadian then that...
So to me... trading my outdoor runs for some indoor training is not a bad thing.. rather an opportunity to shake things up...
to train body parts I've neglected...
To bring back spin classes...
And weight training....
And some human interaction....
After months of training on the trails alone...
(When I wasn't with my core group of girls of course)....
I find the interactions at the gym somewhat amusing....
To give you the whole image I need to set the scene properly....
You see, I'm a push yourself as hard as you can....
See yourself sweat,
And don't stop until you are lying on the floor with nothing left to give type girl....
When I set up a circuit I do it right....
I kill myself to beat times and weights each time I re-visit an old circuit....
I figure if your not pushing yourself... who is?
I believe that the gym is a place you go to sweat...
To make terrible noises and smells....
To look like your been dragged through the depths of hell and back....
And today is a perfect example of such beauty....
I took the time to wear one of my cute running skirts... because after yesterday's spin class and today's
leg circuit... my sticks were looking amazing....
That was where the cuteness ended...
A ratty Tech T, a head band and a fresh face sans make-up (covered in salt from circuit training) graced the treadmill....
And I set forth to do some intense interval training....
with the intention of spending the night at home....
I opted to go hard.
I set my top speed .5 above my personal fastest interval speed... and then to really test myself I thought... why not add .5 more... 1 full level above my personal best....
Starting with my 2 minute warm up, a dude in a light blue polo shirt (with a collar) steps on the treadmill beside me.... Muscles straining against his tight shirt.... Perfect hat seated just so on his head....
Shiny new shoes.... not a hair out of place....
What do I care...
I'm here to train....
Not inform people that it's time they buy a bigger sized t-shirt....
The time hits the 1:55 mark and I hit my interval button... the treadmill takes off....
My legs are flying....
My arms are pumping....
Sweat is flying....
I'm certain I'm grunting.... or whimpering....depending on how you look at it...
Mr. Cool looks over at me, stops his treadmill and moves 4 over....
Inside I'm peeing with laughter....
But I don't have time to stop...
I'm flying and it takes concentration....
First set done....
I take a 90 second recovery...
Did you know in 90 seconds you can really let your eyes wander...
There is the perky blonde in the teensy tank top on the elliptical....
The girl with the bouncy brunette pony tail....
Not a lick of sweat on her brow...
The group of guys chilling by one of the weight contraptions...
Admiring the girl in the booty shorts as she delicately lifts her  5 lbs weight.....
Speed goes up.....
Bouncy hair girl looks my way....
Eye contact even....
And in revulsion looks away....
Pretty people come and go as I begin to feel the fatigue set in....
Perfect little outfits...
Perfect hair...
Not a single one of them letting off any odor that might be remotely close to how I smell....
My legs keep pumping...
The sweat keeps pouring...
And I realize...
I am the only person in this crazy place that actually showed up to work out...
It's like being in some horrible dating pool...
and I realize....
If that's the case and I'm to find my prince charming at the gym...
He better be looking for a salt covered, sweat producing, smelly fighting machine!
Because this girl is not about to change her ways....
The gym is a place to change your body...
To test your limits....
To dig deep and fight....
And that is exactly what I'm going to keep on doing!

Eat... Train... Sleep.... and Laugh....

Tomorrow starts a new week...
A time to re-group...
And make some more changes as I strive towards my next goal....
It's scary to put your goals in writing....
But I believe it makes them real....
On this journey to my next adventure I have many hurdles to overcome....
Which at times may prove to be overwhelming....
But I have 100% faith I will reach and surpass them....
So what did I do to prepare you may ask???
I drank the last 5 beers from my pantry....
Yep....
Step one... remove the booze....
That was the fun part....
Step two left my kitchen in shambles....
Actually...
It's still in shambles....
With a freezer full of amazing vegan meals....
Portioned....
Packed with flavour and protein....
A crisper drawer loaded with baggies of portioned fresh veggies...
A beautiful apple, grape and pomegranate salad.....
And a deadly Kale Salad.....
And a body that is probably the most sore it has ever been after facing Death By Gail on Saturday....
And a Tempo run today....
But I'm still moving....
After being encouraged by so many people who actually take the time to read my strange thoughts...
I thought why not take this private journey and share it a little more than I'm particularly comfortable with....
I keep my personal goals just that... personal...
Despite public opinion... I'm painfully shy....
So opening up takes a lot of work...
It's a big step....
So much so it took me 6 months to actually admit to people outside my core 5 my goal race of 2103...
To put in writing for complete strangers the fact that I plan on loosing 15-20 lbs by December 29...
In order to complete my minimum distance goal of 125 miles in 72 hours....
Well..... it's down right scary....
But there it is in black and white...
So how am I going to accomplish this in 2 short months?
Well...
So far the plan looks like this....
90% Vegan diet....
Clean Vegan... not Oreo Cookie Vegan.... Not that I have a problem with Oreo Cookies....
No alcohol for the duration of the plan....
And now here is the real kicker....
I'm relaxing on my running....
Yep....
Gone are the  long slow distances....
The 6 hour tours.....
I'm switching it up to a circuit/boot-camp/spin till you puke program....
If I learned anything form Gail's Death Camp... my core is non-existent....
My upper body is even worse....
And from Marks All Terrain (aka spin till you puke).... Well... I lack the ability to keep a fast pace for a long period of time... I'm a wimp to be honest...
I have a solid base...
My legs are super strong....
So now it's time to work on the rest of my body... the parts I've been neglecting for the past 2 years because well... lets face it... we work on the things that come easy....
Working my legs is easy....
Working my core well.... just sucks....
Yet, a great man recently told me (and a group of newbie runners)....
To increase your speed you must work your core....
Sooooo.... as painful as it is before, during and especially after.... I will be working my core...
Not to say there will not be any long runs tossed in....
Let's face it...
My legs need love too....
So tomorrow....
We keep moving forward....
No matter how much my body protests....
Because our next rest day isn't until Friday....
Eat... Train... Sleep.... and Laugh....
Sounds like a fun adventure to me!

Rigamortis and Raffi.....

The walls around me are a horrid neon pea green...
The room smells...
The florescent lights give off an eerie glow...
As I lay here dying on the thin black mat...
Smelling like something rotting....
A pile of steaming.... funky.... pink flesh....
Praying for it to end....

It all started with a simple mistake.....
You know the kind...
And innocent thought...
Leading to an action...
That leads to instant horror...
And eventually...After the tears and gallon of wine...
The resolve to move forward....
Which in this case has left me praying for death...
Laying in agony in a heap on a stale hardwood floor....
On a thin black mat....
Surrounded by mostly strangers....
I'm at the end of a journey....
That took a short 2.5 hours....
Somewhere along the way....
Between the Spinning... and backwards baby crawling I cracked....
Unable to do the simple movements of elbow to knee....
Crawling backwards...
The theme song for the Itsy Bitsy spider blaring through my mind...
Over and over and over....
UP the water spout..... Dooooooown came the rain....
And Up the water spout.... Dooooown came the rain...
And up the water spout....
Make it stop......

Delirium.....
(Interesting side note: For anyone ever wondering just what goes on in my head after 10 minutes of running..... Raffi.... Tons and Tons of Raffi....)

Relief comes in the form of a plank hover....
Finally.....
I can lay on my mat....
And as the rest of the group "hovers"...
I Make my ever so non-existent core as tight as possible....
But no matter what I do....
My body just lays there....
Like a lump on a mat...
With rigamortis setting in....
A rotting mass of petrified flesh...
Attempting to hover....
Praying for it to end....
With a round of voices singing over and over....
The itsy bitsy spider.....
All because of a single action....
One solitary moment...
That cannot be undone...
Forgotten....
Moved past....
For every action...
Requires a re-action....
And a solution to move forward and make it better.....
So the next time you decide to throw out the scale and live by measurements alone....
Be warned....
The itsy bitsy spider will be coming for you....

Moments....

It’s in the first few moments...

The first chords....

The sound of a silky voice over guitar....

And I’m somewhere else....

My heart is sitting in a hot tub with giant snowflakes falling around....

Crisp Fall air...

The 3 sisters framed by a clear blue sky....

Rundle towering over the town site....

My legs feel the fatigue of a long adventure....

I can feel the tug in my heart...

The romance lost so long ago....

Feeling so fresh and new....

The moments stolen in front of the fireplace....

Soft lips...

A warm hug...

Sparkling eyes and laughter....

The friendship...

Trusted and true....

The Magic of feeling loved....

As Ryan Starr sings the last lines... “I think that I’ve fallen out of love with you...”

The moment ends...

The heart heals....

And I realize....

Some moments will always be cherished...

The heart will love again....

But somewhere...

In the deep corner will be a memory...

A cherished moment...

A loved soul...

Held frozen in time....

Never truly to be forgotten.

Day 1

Day one....
Or at least that's how it feels....
After taking a 2 week break to let my body "heal" from my last adventure....
I'm back at it....
I have a hard time explaining what 2 weeks off does to a person....
From the pits of despair....
The lowest of lows....
You must once again crawl to the surface.....
Find your passion...
your drive.....
No runner will seriously place a self imposed "break" on them selves....
Oh sure we all say we are "resting" but in reality... we are just creatively finding new alternatives...
My last "rest" break found me tossing my two bikes into the back of my car and seeking adventure in the form of 60+km rides... and chocolate covered sea foam....
All because I was "resting"....

We all rest from time to time....
But that is just it "resting"......
Never the dreaded "RESTING"
It sucks....
The moment you realize you are being "punished" for being awesome....
A light switches in your head....
Instead of having an outlet for your awesome....
You now have a fridge...
A couch....
And an appetite to cannot be quenched....
Which brings me back to day one....
The first solid day back after 2 weeks...
A muscle tear in my quad...
And a pinched nerve in my lumbar from sitting on my couch being awesome...
(or as the famous Dr. Dan says "over achieving").....

I am once again... sitting on my couch....
After 90 minutes of torture from my dear friend Mark... the All Terrain demon....
and a 4hour adventure with Lina exploring the trails...
Seeing parts of the city very few ever see....
Yes... I'm sitting on my couch.....
Revelling in the awesome that is day 1....
With the lunch packed.. the circuit planned...
The run mapped for tomorrows adventure....
And the days to come....
Yes....
I'm once again sitting on my couch...."resting"
Mostly because I'm just too Damn tired to do the bum slide up the stairs my legs require of me to do....
Gotta Love Day 1!

Running Melissa's....

It’s like a whole new experience...

Racing alone....

After a season of running, with friends....

Seeing a smiling face around the next corner....

A warm hug and a word or two of encouragement to keep you going....

Or just some good old heart to hear girl chat as your whittle the miles away....

Yes...

It’s a whole new...

Yet familiar experience....

And after such a spoiled summer I realized there were so many things you forget....

You forget how it feels to pack the night before... no one to ask where the heck your going....

You forget that there is no real pre-race excitement....

Just you... your running shoes... and a half-way built plan of parking....

You forget what it’s like to dress in layers on a chilly morning....

Without much of a plan as to how you will shed and store them....

The feeling of being lost at the corrals....

Wandering aimlessly until its time to “line up”....

Praying no one realizes you are alone....

You forget what it’s like to have an unexpected hug at the start line....

The sting of tears that follow....

How nice it is to sit yourself next to a “pace bunny” and learn all you can about your new friend....

As you wind your way through the streets with 1000 other warm bodies....

All with the same goal.... just to finish....

You forget the pain in your legs....

The sound of your own feet on the pavement....

You forget all the little things that should weigh your down...and you start to focus on the finish line....

You forget the distance left... the miles past.... the fatigue setting in..... and you run....

And as you finish....

With the support and cheers of those who finished before you.....

Those waiting for loved ones...

You forget that you are alone....

And you look forward to the next moment....

The next race....

The next run.....

Where you can let loose.... and just forget....

Damn that Brendan Brazier....

It's 5 am....
The first thing on my mind  when I woke up was a cup of coffee...
I can taste it, smell it, I need it......
The second thing.....
Damn that Brendan Brazier.....

5 short months ago I read a book.....
Ok let me re-phrase that....
I read a book every night....
I'm a book nerd....
I'm the girl who celebrates a major office win by buying a new book....
I'm the girl who spends Friday night date night, curled up at home with my dog's and my new love interest of the week.... which ever author I'm reading at that moment....
I've shared bath time with the likes of Dean Karnazes, Rick Hansen, Rich Roll, John Maxwell.... and the list goes on and on and on....
Once every two weeks I treat myself to an inspirational running book....
I love this day... when I walk into the hallowed halls of my local Chapters... Lingering over the smell of books.... Spending hours selecting the right companion for my next literary adventure....
5 months ago....
THAT was what I did... it was an innocent purchase of a book I'd been dying to get my hands on....
"Eat and Run" by the most awesome Scott Jurek....
And this is the book that really got me thinking.....
I was training for my first 100 miler and wanted to learn from the Pro's the the deep dark secrets....
Instead....
I was inspired for a lifestyle change....
"Only for my training season" as I told everyone around me....
I went vegetarian....and then Vegan....
And you know what....
I felt AMAZING...
I trained long and hard days.... 6-7 days a week with little to no down time...
No inflammation....
Great energy....
Amazing muscular results....
Injury free... (for a runner plagued with IT Band issues this was HUGE!)
And a big old smile on my face....
And to top it off I lost 10 Lbs and watched my belly fat start to change..... 
The things I learned from Eat and Run inspired me to discover as much as I could about my own body.... and my training....
(Don't get me wrong.... this book is actually not a lecture from Scott on how to eat and why you should be a vegetarian....It's actually an Amazing book about his adventures... its a fun read... and would inspire anyone... runners and non-runners alike to live each day to the fullest....
The Diet part was my own take away....)
Fast Forward to Sept 6....
The weekend of my 100 miler....
Being a true version of myself....
I got to the taper part of my race any went nuts.... I mean.... If your gonna race 100 miles you need to carb load... and do it in advance....
Off came the gloves....
Mushroom pizza, Chips, Candy, Wine by the gallons..... More mushroom pizza...
Nachos.... Nib's... Cheese Sauce..... Ice Cream....More Wine.....
Not a fruit or veggie in sight.....
Although the race went well.... (Minus some major blisters and a DNF at 70K... but that is a whole other blog...).
There were some key notes I noticed almost instantly....
My typical energy was lagging....
My legs felt great, but I was not as light and elastic as I was during training....
It was easy at the time to blame it on the heat....
But if I were really honest.... I believe there was a direct impact by my food choices....
Let me explain a little further....
Post Race....
The gluttony continued for 2 weeks... I gained 4 lbs.....
And felt lethargic, irritable, I couldn't sleep......
My recovery time took longer than anticipated.... and here 3 weeks alter I'm still in recovery stage....
The girl who would bounce back... day after day of pounding, hill climbing, 6 hour adventures.... was now sitting in a hot tub of Epsom salt, thick in the legs... walking 5 mile runs....

If you read my previous post you'll see I started a 24 week plan.....
I had had enough....
No more "weekend warrior"....
This lifestyle change had to be permanent and I now had the proof I thought I needed...
So I started a 9 day cleanse....
Purifying my body for the gluttony and disrespect of the 100 miler binge....
And I felt Great....
I quit coffee again....
I gave up sugar....
And the cravings for both disappeared withing 2 days....
I was back on track...
Sleeping amazing....
My running was coming back....
I was clear headed....
Focused...
And excited.....

So why am I up at 5 am cursing Brendan Brazier.....
Well... yesterday was my first day off my cleanse....
And I lost focus....
Instead of my typically plant based supper, I indulged in home made trail mix left over from my ultra.... Full of amazing nuts.... and Reese's pieces... too which i added smarties.... and m&M's..... So basically I ate a bag of chocolate with a few nuts tossed in for supper,  a couple cookies.... and a glass of red wine to wash it down....
And As I tossed and turned...
And tossed and turned....into the wee hours of the morning....
My mind wandered to Brendan's book "Whole Foods to Thrive".
And how the stresses of the food we eat.... the poor choices we make have a direct impact on our ability to sleep.... to reach that deep Delta Phase of rest.... which in return adds more stress on our body...Causing our cortisol levels in increase and our fat storage, and need for more empty calories to increase....
Causing our need for artificial stimulants like coffee, and sugary foods....
And as I woke....Craving the bitter coffee....
I thought....
Damn you Brendan Brazier....
Your 100% correct....
And I..... being the stubborn German I am had to learn the hard way....
With a race weekend ahead and one horrible sleep behind me....
I've learned a valuable lesson.....
I'm a stubborn girl....
But more than that....
Brendan Brazier knows his shit!

http://thriveforward.com/
http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/books/whole-foods-to-thrive-nutrient/9780143176909-item.html


http://scottjurek.com/eatandrun/

http://www.richroll.com/

And So it Begins.....

Today began the first week of my 24 week building phase....
24 short weeks....
Building a new relationship with my food...
A deeper relationship than then one I already started just 4 short months ago....
The baby steps to my ultra distance and speed goals.....
24 weeks to build the first block of my 2 phase plan...
24 weeks, that lead into 24 more weeks...
That lead to....
Well....
I'm not sure.....
They lead somewhere....
The goal race at the completion of the program??
The physic that I've been desiring???
The absolute snub to the words "your just not as serious about your training as I am"....
Or does it just lead to that feeling....
The profound...
Oneness.... Calmness...
The peace...
And connection with myself...
That I felt.... that I still feel from my last long run....
24 weeks into a journey of self discovery....
A better life....
A better version of me....
24 weeks... starting with a rest day and followed by 6 short miles.....
6 short miles....
It seems like just moments ago I was doing my first 5K celebration.....
My first 10 K race.....
When a 25K baby ultra seemed like a bucket list goal....
And now....
I cannot help but pass a road sign and figure out how long it would take me to run the remainder of my trip....
I describe my home in proximity to the airport as "running distance"....
And I dream of the day running gear is consider business casual.....
Yes.....
Today started with a rest day....
And rest I must....
Because tomorrow...
I run!

couch legs and singing blues....

It's all about having a plan.....
As I sit here in my home watching the wind whip the flags behind my house...
Glass of red wine sitting beside me....
Feeling defeated and blue....
Not because I didn't run....
But because I choose not to run....
because I let something minuscule bring me down into the land of blue....
But that is OK....
Because it forced me to make a plan....
To really evaluate what was bringing me down and cut the baggage loose....
It brought the support of friends who responded to my blue's of the crappy weather.... 
And those who understood that I was pushing too hard...
And through that....
It brought the dreams of Canmore... Jasper...
Hill's....
Good girl friends...
Single Weekend's.....
And laughter....
and it brought the promise....
That crappy weather doesn't last....
And it only takes a good solid laugh with a close friend to chase the blues away....

So yes.... I will hit my country roads and treat myself to my favorite type of runs.... alone... in the dark... just me and my head lamp....and I will run a 10 mile a loop... maybe two.... or 1/2 a loop.... or even just a 3 k followed by some fun muddy hills.....and I may get blown away at some point..... but... I'm going to get out there....
Because tomorrow is a new day....
And there are hills and trails to explore....
And that is a promise that even the grey wind blues can't chase away....
These leg's of mine are not going to get any stronger sitting on my couch....
Singing the blues...
So....
I'm looking forward....
Forward to an amazing summer of great running....
Laughter...
Camp fire's....
Amazing Friends...
And crazy adventures!!

solitude....

He's a lone runner...
Pacing through the quiet morning streets....
Nothing but his thoughts...
And the morning darkness....
The street lamps casting a eerie orange glow around him....
Faithfully hitting the streets at 5 am....
The comfort in knowing every morning...
The familiarity of his stride....
His ridiculous safety vest fastened over and even tackier Neon Orange Jacket....
He will be at my corner at exactly 5:05...
And I will pass him as I'm off to start my day...
Wondering....
Where are you going my friend....
What brings you out to my morning streets....
What goal is hiding in your heart....
What race....
Familiarity....
Routine...
His...
And mine....
My legs and heart longing to match each stride....
To feel the morning air on my dampened skin....
The clarity and cleansing  of a perfect morning run....
And I know....
This final morning....
That come Monday.....
The Lone Runner...
Will no longer be braving the 5am streets alone....
For now there is two....

Just one of those day's....

It was like a bad run....
The morning of race day....
Waking with Thick leg's and a heavy heart....
Lacing up knowing you had millions of miles to go....
And not knowing how you would get there....
How you would make it through.....
Each movement more laborious than the next....
The finish line reaching further and further away in the distance....
As you being to quote as many ultra affirmations you can muster....
The mind gives up before the body....
Pain is weakness leaving the body...
Just put one foot in front of the other...
Little Steps to build a whole.....
You have trained for this...
You can handle this....
You are STRONG......
and yet....
You know in your heart of hearts...
That today....
Today is just one of those bad run day's....
With each step you feel defeat....
The pain radiating through every last muscle....
The feeling of deep set fatigue....
Knowing that there is no aide station to bring you new life....
No support team cheering you on....
No fresh socks....
No little treats....
Your stomach turns with the last meal you ate....
Needing more...
But not being able to take it....
You tell yourself you will make it.....
And as you near the end....
You cry...
Tears of relief...
That is trial is over....
Fatigue consumes you...
And you feel nothing more then the deep pain of failure....
Your body aches from abuse....
Your mind goes numb....
And you long for nothing more than a strong pair of arms to carry you home....
And tell you everything will be alright....

Yes....
Today was one of those day's....
Like a long....hard....bad run.....

The fine art of being totally confused....

I'm 36 years old....
In the past 4 years I've had 2 relationships...
Well.... essentially one relationship and one fumble....
I've heard it all....
Your too good for me...
You deserve better...
When I find someone better I hope you and I can still be friends....
(that one was one of the most shockingly creative)....
Your too focused on your career...
Your too intimidating....
Your time will come....
There is a guy out there for you....
Maybe you are meant to be single and fierce...
To be honest....
Being single didn't bother me near as much as it bothered those around me....
I'm unclear why a successful single woman is a threat...
Yes I had moments where I wondered why I wasn't good enough....
But 85% of the time I didn't even notice.....
And then in the midst of my mid life crisis...
There is someone...
A warm smile..
A kind heart...
And potential....
Beyond the amazing friendship that has become....
And I'm clueless....
In the past 4 years I've held 2 relationships...
Well.... essentially one relationship and one fumble....
And both of these have been long distance....
The kind where you see each other once every 3 weeks for 3ish day's...
And you spend that time together...
So how does one go about this dating thing?
Is there a rule book for how to not bumble a "thing"....
How to effectively transition from single... independent...
to something else...
Without becoming co-dependent?
Can you remain independent as a "couple"??
How do you squish this longing to spend every waking moment learning all you can about that person??
And how do you know your on the same path???
The same page of the journey....
Does it just somehow magically come together...
How does someone who throws herself into everything with reckless abandon slow down???
All these questions have me doubting the sanity of entering this strange world....
Yet on the other side is a smile...
A warm hug...
And a friendship that means the world....

Cold bath water... and letters that go nowhere.....

I have cold bath water....
It's one of those strange side effects that come from trying to construct the perfect...
Conversational...
And Witty...
Yet sharing some convictions and observations...
While being jovial...
Type emails...
Not one of those deep emails where you eloquently get your point across...
Dear Joe,
Your a moron.
xoxo
Lisa
Rather one of those emails that comes from spending an awesome day...
Just loving life....
And wanting to gush it all out....
A conversation meant for the ears of a good friend...
A cherished one....
You know... that one person that you long to share your moments with the most.....
Sadly....
This has left me with deflated bubbles...
Cool water...
And the longing for my nightly ritual of un-wind....
Soften....
And feminize with amazing scented lotions....
So you can go to bed feeling beautiful...
And smelling fantastic....
It's a Bizarre ritual...
But it is mine none the less....
I so look forward to my nightly bath....
The bubbles...
The scent freshly selected....
The glass of wine... (or tea)....
And a good book...
Something I can lose myself in for a few moments.....
As I soak my tired body in a pool of fragrant heat....
But tonight....
I have cold bath water.....
And as I sit here in my bed....
With my replacement heating pad...
Silky Jammies and some beautiful perfume....
I am not fooled....
For I know...
I have missed a sacred ritual....
My loyalty to the bath is wavering...
Being replaced by my desire to reach out and share about my day.....
You'd think I learn....
As this is not the first occurrence....
But once again...
On this very night....
I have cold bath water....

Joker.....

It's a strange ritual....

The art of beautification....
Using a mask of colours to try and hide what is really there....
I've stopped using make-up....
Ok...
Not 100% stopped....
I wear eye-liner and mascara....
That's it....
nothing more...
sometimes WAY less....
I have not been styling my hair....
The only ritual I've kept is smelling good....
And keeping my skin soft....
Should someone decide to caress it.....
I work in a man's world...
the princess look just doesn't work....
But today....
I took that extra step....
I added powder....
A little shine to my eye lid's...
And Heaven forbid....
Hairspray.....
I took my time selecting my mascara....
(yes I have more than one.....)
I tried to cover the tired bags under my eyes....
And I enhanced my lips with liner and gloss....
Today is a girls day...
And I'm going to look like a girl....
Smell like a girl....
feel like a girl....
I have selected feminine lingerie...
a comfortable... yet cute outfit....
I'm lotion-ed...
And silky....
I feel 110% wonderful....
Yet...
Why is it...
When I look at myself in the mirror I feel like I'm looking at a clown???
What I once considered beautiful feels so foreign....
I mean I only used Heaths photo as a mild suggestion of application....
Either way...
The damage is done....

Longing.....

Tonight....
My heart is longing for home....
That special place...
Where I am renewed...
Restored...
Where I draw my comfort,.....
My strength....

It all started with a head ache....
After MANY "pain reducing aides"...
And one big salad with grilled chicken....
I realized I just needed out...
I needed fresh air....
To circulate with the living...
So I freshened up and set out...
Under the "guise" of buying meat for the week...
A new book I had my eye on...
And a silly gift for a friend....
I decided to stop at a favorite restaurant and enjoy a light supper....
As I sat in my regular chair...
The cute waiter right away recognized me and asked about the new book I was reading....
He bought the last one I had came in with and sent it to his sister in Australia....
And it just felt good...
To be recognized...
And even though it's his job...
Flirted with....
For that moment to feel special...
Beautiful...
As I sat at the white quartzite counter I watched the snow swirl around outside...
Creating a serene backdrop for my evening out...
Transporting me to another time...
Another place....
And I felt that old tug....
The tug the home of my heart....
I could see the mountains rise up in the parking lot outside...
I could feel the crisp Canmore air on my face....
I could taste the wine...
The warmth of the outdoor hot tub....
I was transported to a moment years ago...
When the girls were allowed to join me...
Sitting outside in the dark on the patio...
My furry babies cuddled at my feet...
Watching the moon....
Drinking a beautiful red wine...
Stillness...
The laughter at the family of squirrels tormenting the girls through the patio glass on a spring morning....
The feeling of joy that only a hard hike could bring...
Long before I knew what trail running was...
When I hiked and ran for the enjoyment...
The healing....
Tonight...
In my heart...
I am longing to go home...
To find my strength...
To laugh....
To share an adventure with my mountains....
And to come back to the real world...
Refreshed...
Renewed...
And 100% me.....

Outside the box.... an adventure in the pagentry of applying for jobs...

"Thinking outside the box..."
The email said....
"I've decided to put the onus on you to tell me why you feel you should qualify for an interview...."
It went on to suggest we research the position, the company and so on and write an essay (ok maybe not an essay... but I used my own discretion on interpretation) on why we feel we are the right candidate and what our salary expectations would be.....
I considered this email all week....
Feeling more like a contestant in the Miss America Pageant, than an applicant...
"Well Ryan" because we all know Ryan Seacrest would be hosting... he host's everything...
"My solution to global warming is simple, we all wear smaller bikini's"....
leading into to my talent....
Singing and tap dancing yellow polka dot bikini....Which also would totally cover the swimsuit portion for me.... Sheer brilliance... the male judges would score me 10's and Donald Trump would leave Marlena and I'd be famous.... as the girl who stole the Trump and the crown....
Then we would immediately commence plastic surgery and hair plugs for the Donald....
......
As I considered all the interesting way's I could promote myself....
I began to think...
Who asks someone to explain why they feel they are a team player...
And a leader...
And why they should get the job...
in an email format....
And that's when the "thinking outside the box"....
really struck me...
if he can "think outside the box"...
Why should I respond in such a canned response...
Dear Sir,
I'm a perfect fit for your amazing company.
I will not only strive to help grow your company, but I will lead and love your employee's...
I'm perfect in every aspect...
I am organized...
Neat...
Perfect at sales...
Never have a bad day...
And I smell great. (ok this part is true... I really do smell great!!)
As Far as Salary, please don't pay me...
In fact.... I think I should be paying you....

Anyone can write that.....
So as I settled in with my 4th cup of coffee....
a mild caffeine buzz....
And way too many hours in the truck to really consider my response I began a master piece that took me 1.5 hours to create and tweak.....
I began with the response...
Dear Joe
(you may want a fresh cup of coffee for this email. It's a long one!!)
***names have been changed to protect the innocent... and my potential employer.... because after this email he is TOTALLY gonna hire me!!!***


"I've been considering your request all week while driving. I want you to know, first, I understand that my response is not going to be 100% what you were asking for. I've decided to be a little more personal. I would like to tell you about me, who I am, what I do  for fun, and what is most important to me.
I think it would be very easy, for someone who has such a strong sales and marketing background, to tell you what I think you want to hear in order to get me a job. I'm going to include some references that you can contact that will tell you about me, being a team player, how I work, how I train, and how I am as a trainee. That will give you a more honest perspective from people who have nothing to gain from talking to you."

Pretty good so far right.....
And then the real Lisa takes over....
I went on to talk about my first employer....
And how he developed in me a passion for construction... training me from the ground up. I mean, I learned everything from "The God Father"... how to build road's... how to fight at community hall meetings... how to build superior product and how to sue people for defamation of character (It's Chicago we all sue everyone).....
Somewhere between Chicago and being recruited for a Condo Conversion in Tennessee I fell of track...
I told stories of flees, my brown Recluse Spider named Fred, The fine art of designer wear in the Kenworth, and how I want to create a stable home environment for my dog's....
I considered including photos...
But decided I already looked crazy enough....
Especially when I closed my essay including a paragraph about how I'm currently facing my mid-life crisis...

I am 100% convinced a this point I WILL be called for an interview....
Based on the quality of my essay...
The broad range of content...
And the total entertainment value....

After being self employed for so many year's I had no idea that the job application process could be so exhausting....
Now I need to find a bikini and clear plastic stripper heel's for my interview....
Although....
If I were the employer I would just hire me on the spot...
No interview needed....
because this application Kicked every other essay applicant's ass!

Old roots...

They said I would find it when I was ready.....
That like an old friend...
It would reach into the depths of my soul....
It would pull out the broken...
Th empty...
And it would heal...
It would fill...
It would replace the scars...
The bruises...
With tenderness...
Joy....
Strength.....
They said....
When I was ready....
If I was open...
It would return....
And my life would feel full once again....
I've been running...
Running for so long...
Running from the pain...
From humiliation...
Running for the healing...
Running for freedom...
The passion I lacked...
Became my reason to run....
And as my fire for running began to wain....
As it got emptier...
And the steps more laborious...
It came...
Like a slow dawn....
It gently crept into my soul....
And took hold...
And each day...
It grew...
Like the warming of the sun after a chilly spring night...
And like an old... trusted friend...
It wrapped itself around me....
For it had never left...
I had just stopped listening....
Stopped feeling it....
Replacing the love with the fear...
Of how it made me feel...

They said...
When I was ready...
When I was strong enough...
When I was open enough...
It would come back....
And it would heal...
And I would grow...
And that fire would return...
Combining both my passions into one amazing experience...
Running with the music....
They said...
And they were right....
And for them...
Who stood by...
And waited...
Silently willing me back to my roots...
And to those who never knew what it once was...
But brought it back...
Thank you...
For I'm ready....
Ready to embrace that stage once again....
Because some gift's...
Are too precious...
And no matter what time does...
Or others say...
It cannot be taken away....

They said....
And they were right....
And I'm forever grateful....

New Years... With Ben and his top 10...

Bathed...
Shaved...
Polished....
Moisturized....
Silky soft soft....
Feminine....
And happy....
I prepared with anticipation....
I knew my plans were falling apart....
I knew I was at the root of things....
But I was hoping...
On a shoe string...
That things would resolve themselves........
And I would enjoy this one evening...
That for the past 5 years has been just another night....
And that is what found me at 11:38 pm.....
Alone....
In my big bed....
On new years eve....

So as I watched Ben count down the top 10 Star Scandals that shook the world....
I began to re-assess....
I don't believe in New Years Resolutions....
On average 88% of all resolutions are not kept...
They are a token symbol of what were are supposed to do...
One night a year....
Making that list that we dream we will achieve in the new year....
Yet, we don't follow through....
Because it's not a commitment to ourselves......
Its a wish list....
Based on a Tradition......

As I watched about the Brad, Angelina, and Jen love triangle.... YET again....
I began to wonder....
What would I really like to see in my life this year....
What could I commit to changing....
If I could make a list of the top 10 things that I would focus on for one year....
Commit to improving....
Really Commit....
What would they be??

Looking back on the past year I have already made some big changes....
And I feel sometimes I'm still reeling from the decisions of m so called "mid life crisis"...
Yet,
The past 6 weeks have left me happier....
More relaxed.....
And more grounded than I have been in Years....
So obviously I am on the right track....

Looking back at the changes in my life in the past 4 Months I know that there are still some area's that have huge questions marks....
Which.... for a girl... that is always in control....
Is interesting....
The uncertainty....
The exploration of what really will fit into my life....
And most recently the building of deep connections....
The bond's with others that leave me a little vulnerable...
Exposed...
And totally uncomfortable....

SO what... you may ask.... does this list look like for me?
Well...
It's still evolving....
But I know a few things for certain.....
1. I am going to find my niche in this new career field....
Because Security and stability, combined with life balance are the main reason I  started down this road.  Not only will I find it, but I will continue to expand and grow, because that is my nature. I will not put myself down if I should take a wrong path, or learn a few hard lessons along the way... because those are the bumps that build character.

2. I want to build more connections. I have lived the past 10 years hiding behind my walls... so that no one could really get to me... hurt me. I have also found that I have let people in and, as a woman in protection mode... I have severed the relationship before I could give enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. I am tired of living behind my own fears, of hurt and rejection.

3. This self proclaimed single girl is longing for something more. I have had a glimpse of just how wonderful life can be with an amazing partner. And that is something I desire. To spend my moments with someone who makes me laugh, who believes in me, and who desires to be with me, regardless of my quirks. Someone who is willing to understand that this is a huge step for me... and is willing to let me fall flat on my face, and still want to be there the next morning. I'm tossing out that list, you know... the one that says if he is all this he will be the perfect mate... I'm letting go.... to find what I really long for... that best friend.... to share this crazy adventure of life with.
I think this realization scares me the most... because it is the one that can hurt the most....
And it will hurt, as I learn and grow.... but I'm willing to take that on, for a few moments of feeling like I belonged to someone special.

4. Running....cycling...exploring.... in my mind... I have dreams... goals....races to be run.... but in my heart... I just want to  get back to the simplicity that is running for the pure joy of running....
The adventure that awaits around the corner... the exhilaration that comes from exploring a new path... pushing myself beyond my limits....and just being free. This year I will focus on running.... and cycling... for me... and nothing more. If I choose to race, I will race.... But I will not spend my months focused on a race.... and stressing about the miles I'm not getting in.... when the real reason I started running in the first place, was to bring myself to a place of healing....

OK so maybe I don't really have a top 10....
But what I do have is a common theme....
I have learned in the past 4 months more about people...
Relationships...
and myself...
Then I have learned the past 5 years combined....
And the biggest part of this is learning to just accept and love me...
To be real...
With my connections...
And to believe that the impossible can happen....
To live each day with laughter...
And Joy....
To embrace the things that hurt a little...
and learn from them.....
And to end everyday knowing that I was the best version of me that I could possibly be that day....
I guess that is the real key....
And who knows...
Maybe next year I will share that magical kiss at midnight...
Moving forward into a new year with a partner...
a focus on my career...
And the Joy that comes from living without restrictions....
Because one more year with Ben... and his top 10...
Is one more year too many!!!