Christmas Moments.....

The world outside is still....
Frozen...
And bitter....
The scent of fresh coffee permeates...
The warm glow of the fire place is enhanced by the lights on the little tree that sits...
Unadorned....
The girls are cuddled with new "babies"....
Cozied up to the hearth....
It's Christmas morning.....
A day to be shared with family, friends and laughter....
Full of warmth and love....
Yet...
I cannot help but feel a tug....
This is my first Christmas alone....
The first time I have no family near...
Though we spent time celebrating together....
There is something about Christmas day...
Something about the traditions...
The Celebration of Family...
Friendships...
Togetherness...
Christs birth....
That makes this day seem a little more alone with out them here....
And I am more aware of those lives around me...
Those who may not have the same love for this day...
The memories...
The family Love...
The feeling of togetherness....
Those who wake up...
To just another day....
And my heart is sad....
For although I may be physically alone this Christmas morning...
I am blessed....
blessed by a life full of love...
Family...
Friendship....
And a life time of warm memories to make me smile.....
So for a few moment's...
I'll embrace this little tug....
For this is just a moment....
Because I know...
No matter how far apart we may all be...
I am never truly alone...
I am loved....
And that is the greatest gift that anyone could ever receive....

Wolf Willow.....

It's a feeling....
That first deep breath laced with the winter chill.....
Filling your lung's...
Reaching through to every inch of your body....

The peace of the twilight settling around you....
The serenity of the frozen land...
The stillness of the wood's...
The majesty of the ice covered river...
Silently flowing deep below...

The laughter of friendship....
The words shared...
That deep bond that comes from  suffering... living... breathing....

It's the knowledge that each muscle will bite and complain tomorrow...
That each step will remind you that you were unkind....
The feeling of weakness leaving...
Strength building...
Strength of body...
Strength of mind....

And with every ache...
Every silent protest from each muscle....
It's the reminder of that beautiful moment...
Blessed by the stillness of the winters night...
And the companionship of a good friend....
Knowing that in that moment...
You were the best you that you could be....
You pushed your limit...
And you were alive....

human after all...

It was an Innocent thing...
One of those silly conversations that you have with a friend describing why you are the way you are...
Or in this case...
Why I deserved the eye candy more than he did...
And as we listed off all our faults...
In my true competitive fashion...
I just kept going...
My brain...
My heart...
In silence...
Kept going...
And as the list got longer and longer...
I began to think...
Wow...
Is this who I have really become....
Are all these feelings...
Descriptive word's who I really am now??
Where did I go?
And how did I lose sight of my true heart...
The person I really am...
The girls who was carefree...
Trusting...
All Loving...
Quick to laugh...
Quicker to hug....
And always ready to forgive and forget...
Where did she go...
And where did this bitter...
Cynical...
Hard old woman come from....
Did it happen overnight...
Or have I slowly allowed myself to build these walls and create this new self?
So tonight....
I am taking a moment....
To really stop and think...
To feel...
To dig deep and remind myself who I am...
To make a list...
Not of the bad...
But rather of the good...
The things that are at the heart...
The things I have hidden away for so long...
Out of fear....
Self Preservation....
Maybe even weakness....
Things to build me up...
Instead of tear me down....
Things to remind me of who I really am...
And where I come from....
Because just like I'm searching for Balance in my work life...
It is time I find Balance in my own personal life...
A way to be the vulnerable...
Real...
Human version of myself...
With the ability to hold just enough back for those whom I trust the most....

So...
To that one friend...
Thanks...
Maybe it was time I actually put that terrible list into words...
Even if I thought I was joking...
I will take every single one of them back now...
You win...
You can be the worst...
But in reality...
Maybe for a small moment...
For tonight...
For one baby step...
Maybe I won...

http://youtu.be/96-P6eUjHXE 


I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.

Perspective

Perspective....
It's such an interesting word....
It can take you so many directions...
so many interesting places....
And at different stages...
It can bring different things....
And if your open to it...
you can actualy let it change your life....
Impact you in some way that brings about a whole new perspective....

I am going through one of those "changes" right now....
A softening....
An awareness....
An appreciation....

Perspective....

b. A mental view or outlook: "It is useful occasionally to look at the past to gain a perspective on the present" (Fabian Linden).

1. a way of regarding situations, facts, etc., and judging their relative importance

2. the proper or accurate point of view or the ability to see it; objectivity try to get some perspective on your troubles

The shift of my mental view... 

being brought down  a few notches to be reminded of just how hard some people work...

Just to get by...

To make ends meet...

And the pride that is associated with that job that I deemed "beneath me"....

I recently can quote myself as saying"how the mighty have fallen"....

Perspecitve...

Mighty? In who's eyes?....

I am more mighty now that I have been in years....

As I am learning the value of a physical day's work...

I'm learning that life isn't all fluff and gloss...

That the people who matter most are not the ones sitting in the big office with the million dollar view...

Rather the simple man...

Working 12 hours a day....

Hard...

Physical Labour....

With a smile...

The man who takes more pride in filling and order correctly....

Than I ever could have imagined....

Perspective...

Respect....

Yes.... 

Maybe this path is physically a little too much for me....

And maybe I will have to toss in the towel sooner than I would have imagined....

But through it all...

I've learned...

And I've softened....

This path...

This learning experience I am on....

Is slowly showing me how to break down these walls...

And to be warm....

Perspective...

Life Changing...

If you can be open enough to embrace it....

The unplanned

It's one of those moments where I have come to realize that sometimes nothing is so much better than anything...
After 3 weeks of countless resumes....
Long Work outs....
Clean eating....
Followed by even more long work outs....
And the very slight...
Very short attempt at one "dating" web-site....
I hit the blues....
Maybe it was the realization that when I was working full time and beyond, and single...
It didn't matter... because I was single with a career, and that was "acceptable".
In fact...
I was single and carrying the extra few pounds (ok totally chubby... but who's counting)....
but it didn't matter...
Because I was perceived to be at the top of my game...
To have it all...
A great career...
A fun life....
And a gaggle of friends....
And I was the one who was selling the show....
Never able to admit that I was desperately alone....
Miserably out of shape and totally unable to find the time to get back to training...
And why??
Because I was too scared I'd miss a deal...
Let a client down...
Make a mistake and crush someones dream's....
Long nights in bed with my laptop....
Neither of us getting much sleep....
And the realization that I was not getting any younger got me off the roller-coaster....
But to what result....
Lost friendship's...
20 extra pounds....
The frustration of "being in the job market"....
And the most recent discovery.....
Single with out a dynamic career is not as "acceptable" as single with a career...
But from whom do I need acceptance???
If I were really honest about this the correct response would be no one...
The friends lost in the transition maybe were the friends addicted to the flash...
The ones I lost prior to transition were the damage of a girl who was breaking apart....
but there are so many who have held on....
Stepped up...
And encouraged...
From them I need to be nothing but me...
Going through a transition....
The lack of a relationship....
The reality is...
I'm not a girl who is willing to settle....
I never have been...
So I can remain single... un-employed and be ok with that...
Society will just have to catch up with this new way of living....
The weight....
Why do I push myself so hard???
Because I love it...
After spending a morning analyzing this path...
I've realized... I'm not pushing... or punishing....
I'm growing....
Not only in endurance and strength of body...
But also strength of character....
I am adjusting to a new life...
And some day's that will give me the blues....
Not because I'm fighting depression...
But because as with any adjustment you have moments...
Where you just want it to be over...
You long to see the clear cut direction...
To know where your going....
In a very unstable... adventurous life...
I long for that one thing that is consistent...
But....
If you can learn to live a life with out that consistency...
That security blanket....
Imagine the possibilities....
The endless options that will remain available...
If you could learn to live life without anticipating the next step...
Trying to control the out come...
Just letting it happen....
Where would that trail lead you?
And how would you fair?
Maybe there is a lesson in all of this....
For me it is to sit back...
And let it happen....
I cannot control the outcome of my life...
My training...
Relationships...
My Career....
But I can learn to adapt...
And to continue on with pride....
That no matter the end result...
If I finish the race in record time or if I DNF 10 K from the finish....
I will survive...
And tomorrow there will be a new path....
And I will embrace it with the same tenacious... all in approach as the day before...
The path before...
And I will prevail...
Because the only one I really need to obtain acceptance from is myself

4 Amazing Abs Exercises

4 Amazing Abs Exercises Muscle and Fitness Hers

In my quest to continue in strength for the 2013 Season...
I am learning to incorporate core strength into my routine...
Here is a great video of 4 moves that really get some results...
I am adding these to my core circuit which includes planks, push ups, pull ups, dips
Leg raises on the roman chair, Back extensions and regular crunches with the ball.

This is an intense core work out, that I am starting on light day's. (A light day is a core work out, with light cardio.)

With a successful 3 week measurement session this morning I am encouraged with my diet and my progress. I have come to learn that it doesn't matter what you weigh... if you gain or lose, the real results are in the measurements, and in the new found strength and energy.

I have noticed my HIIT sessions are getting easier and my endurance is increasing. The speed increase on my last HIIT session was more than I could have ever dreamed in the past 3 years of training. Even at my fittest 3 years ago I never reached this speed and sustained it for 10+ reps.
I'm also finding my body craves the food's that it has been trained to eat in the past 2 months. Gone are the cravings for junk.
For those of you needing some diet inspiration this is what my day is starting to look like:

Breakfast: Protein Pancake
1/3 cup (uncooked 100% whole grain quick oats)
 4 large egg whites
Almond extract
cinnamon
splenda

The rest of the day I pack the following
2 Wraps made with mountain bread ( a flat organic wrap gluten and yeast free only 70 calories)
3-3.5 oz of chicken breast with 1.5 cups of greens and mustard and hot sauce. and sometimes a little bolthouse farms yogurt dressing
These are easy to eat on the run.
Salad: As many veggies as I can fit into the bowl. Usually 3 cups of greens and 2 cups of broccoli
Topped with 3-3.5 oz lean protein (Maybe even a 1/2 cup of cottage cheese instead)
1/2 Cup brown whole grain rice (not instant) and bolthouse farms yogurt dressing.

I will mix in white fish for wraps
and shrimp for a protein substitute
I treat myself to baked sweet potato slices 1-2 times a week.  These satisfy the craving for anything naughty like fries.

For treats I allow myself rice cakes and peanut butter.

I'm maxing out at approx 1650 calories per day.
My cheat calories of 600 per week (Included in the 1650 per day)
Are little things like fat free sugar free puddings, a small glass of red wine.
I have learned not to beat myself up if I fall off the wagon... This is a lifestyle not a prison sentence...
and the last time I checked life was meant to be fun!!!

I may not be your poster child for chiseled ab's... or the faster runner at the event...
But I am making progress with my own body and my own endurance...
And that is all a girl can ask for!

Because all athletes have fat calves....

I am an athlete.....
I can say it...
And I can believe it.... at least I can now....
How I came to this point of understanding its an interesting journey....
Before I go much further...
I want to explain...
I am blessed with an amazing family....
Supportive, fun loving parents....
Who are my friends as well as my mentors....
I've got 2 great sisters....
And two fantastic brother-in laws....
I also have 3 of the most athletic.....
amazing....
nieces and nephews.....
The talent and natural ability they have for sports is a true gift...
They are focused...determined... and dedicated.....
And none of my family understand my obsession for running....

My sisters and I were never the athletic type...
Heck I was the choir president....
can you hear that fat lady singing yet?
As children we moved...
often...
The curse of being a bankers daughter....
I never was involved in organized sport's as most of our moves took place over the summer....
I never learned to rules of basketball...
Developed the coordination needed for baseball...
Skinned my knee's playing soccer....
I never felt the thrill of scoring the game winning goal...
I was an un-athlete....
The type of person who was soft around the edges....(and the middle)
Who was picked close to last for gym teams....
And who never got passed the ball....
Unless by accident.....
The proverbial bench warmer....
And I was totally accepting of that...
until now....
You see.... It was almost exactly 4 years ago that I found myself facing yet another divorce...
Failure....
Again....
And it was almost 4 years ago that once again I found my passion for running...
The freedom of the trail...
The healing power the mountains provided....
To a broken shell of a woman...
A woman who had been repeatedly told... and shown by the man she loved that she was useless...
Nothing....
Worthless....
It was on those trails....
That I found myself...
My strength and my sense of value again....
And that healing turned into a new life....
Countless trail races....
A passion for cycling....
A re-newed passion for weight training....
And plans for some of the biggest Ultras I could attempt this early in my running career....
Yet somehow I never thought of myself as an athlete....
Until a recently....
When two of my favorite people said 2 very different thing's...
It was Friday night date night with my parents...
Talking about the grand kids and the sports that are doing...
And just how amazing they are...
The talk of scholarships already for my little niece....
My oldest nephew rocking out the wrestling...
And the littlest one... who came out of the womb with a hockey stick in his hand....
He may be the littlest on the team... but he's the fastest... and he is awesome!
and in that conversation the words were uttered by my dad... "We have no idea where they get their athleticism from, because we are certainly lacking that gene...."
Shortly there after my mom started mourning the loss of my slender leg's to my running....
How they used to be so nice and thin....I've lost that ever since I started running....
As I drove home after dinner I started thinking to myself....
You know,
I've been so focused on getting lean... losing weight...
Being the perfect size...
That I didn't realize in all my training...
Just how wonderful my body had become....
I Love my leg's....
I love how in the past 5 week's my quads are once again developing this amazing ridge running up the outside of my leg....without flexing.....
I love the fact that my calves are bigger than most men's... stronger... and solid....
I love the roundness and firmness of my butt.... the kind that can only come from countless squats and lunges....
I love the small amount of definition I'm starting to see in my arm's after just a few short weeks of weight training..
The way my pecs have brought lift back to my ample bosom....
And the fact that I can rock out 2 hours on a spin bike, and still go back for more...
I love knowing that these leg's are going to carry me 100 miles to that finish line....
I love the feeling of waking up and having every muscle in my body scream at me....
And then the fluid lax feeling those same angry muscles have after an intense session of  interval training....
The way my quads quiver like jack hammers after a session at the stairs...

Yes....
I may not have the athletes body....
But I have something even more valuable...
I have the athletes heart...
The mind set...
The focus and determination....
And that little mix of crazy that puts me in an ultra class of my own.....
And as I visualize myself crossing that finish line I have finally come to realize....
I AM an athlete

So the next time I see a girl in a pair of skinny jeans and I long for her flat stomach....
I'll take a moment to consider that my quads and calves wouldn't even fit in both of those skinny leg's combined.... and I will feel strong... confident and sexy....
And then I will giggle as I watch those twigs walk away.....
Because athletes understand that true beauty comes from large calves... quivering thighs....
And the ability to dig deep and finish the race....
And i will tell myself....
I AM an athlete......

Sleep.... it does a body good....

I had an epiphany this morning...
After over sleeping by 2 hours....
Recently I really stepped up my training.
which has been amazing....
To feel that complete burn...
the over the top Jello effect after and intense spin class...
The complete fatigue after a hard circuit...
Pushing myself to new/old extremes....
Yet....
Once again my diet fell apart....
And the scale started changing in the wrong direction....
At first I told myself it had to be some muscle mass...
(After 2 weeks... probably not).
The Reality is...
I am tired....
My body is adjusting....
And without realizing what my body needed...
I would eat....
Instead of taking a quick 20 min nap I'd give my body something new and improved to fuel on....
A protein bar that's quick and loaded with sugar I've cut out....
A rice cake with a giant glob of PB because I'm starving....
And most recently... Rice.....
A giant bowl of rice....
I have not eaten white rice (minus sushi) in over a year.....
The dangers of simple carb junk foods.....
Imagine the shock I got stepping on the scale this morning.....
So as I stand here this morning....
Drinking my lemon water...
I've dusted off my old program...
And I'm excited to say I'm meeting a fantastic friend to help me stream line to fit my running/training
demands.....
My clean meals are stocked in the fridge....
Full of beautiful berries... fresh green's....
And proteins....
No empty carbs in there....
Intense training programs are great....
As long as you take the time to understand your body....
It's not going to be able to jump back in like old times...
Not when you've spent the past 2.5 Years focused on work and not training the machine you have.....

There will be adjustments....
Crabby moment's....
Exhaustion....
Elation....
And in the end success.....
I'm already seeing it in my well toned leg's....
The rest will follow.....
As in the word's Of Frankie.... " The Best is yet to come"

Champagne......

I have this bottle of champagne sitting on my counter...
and amazing bottle... of crisp.....
golden...
real champagne...waiting to be enjoyed.....
and every day...It taunts me...
You see...
This bottle...
Does not belong to me...
It was a gift to a friend...
Someone who took me in when I was at my most vulnerable...
Who made me laugh when I felt most alone...
And who offered me friendship...In the way that so few can....
Someone who came to understand me...
because in a moment of weakness...
I allowed it....
And as this bottle has made it's way from Canmore to Jasper to Canmore back to Edmonton....
It has yet to be celebrated....
And it now sits on my counter waiting to be returned to it's rightful owner...
I can imagine how it should be enjoyed...
Sitting on a deck...
In the crisp mountain air surrounding it....
It should see the stars...
And feel the magic of the the fall....
It should hear the sounds of the soft love from a guitar...
and smell the scent of a late fall fire....
And it will understand as I do...
just what true friendship means....
Champagne knows no boundaries...
It is not limited by the  "idea's" of love or  romance...
Rather it understands...
It is here to celebrate life...
True friendship....
And the bond that comes..
only when one can find another soul that they can trust....
So as I dream about shipping this gift back to it's rightful owner...
I dream about it finding a way to say...
Thank you........
Thank you for being a friend....
For allowing me the opportunity to let myself show weakness...
And for challenging me to be a better me...
And for understanding....
That this gift... comes not only out of love.... as only I can give...
But gratitude....
For showing me it's ok...
to show someone I too can be real....
And when I finally get his back to you...
I pray you raise a glass...
On a clear night...
Under a sky full of stars....
And you feel the joy that only real Champagne can give....
because at least once in a life time...
Everyone should understand what it's like to indulge for no reason...
other than to celebrate life and friendship...

Glass slippers....and childhood dreams....

I used to believe when I was a little girl,
That some day I would meet the most amazing man...
And we would fall deeply in love...
And I would be happy for the rest of my life....
At 36 years of age...
I can honestly say....
I have loved....
Deeply...
Passionately....
And without regret.....
And in this moment I am learning...
That happiness is only what I make it....
I have failed miserably at relationships....
And learned that Cinderella doesn't always get the glass slipper....
but I've also come to a deeper understanding of who I am through it all.....
every tear...
every heart ache....
every joy...every memory....
Life has shaped me into an amazing being...
A fabulous mystery...
Of silliness...
And passion...
And a well of deep love for those who I choose to bring close....
In this moment I have learned to be still...
to listen to the sound of the breeze rustling the tree's...
to hear the quiet voice on the side of a mountain...
Bringing me peace...
And strength.....
I have learned to savour every breath....
To celebrate just being alive....

I have learned to value, cherish and respect myself....
And I have learned that a person who doesn't value, cherish and respect me in the same way is not a true friend.....

Yes... I get lonely....
There are times I long for a set of arms to hold me close at night....
A warm kiss...
a tender touch....
The one person to share this crazy adventure with....
Someone to tell my secrets...
And laugh at my jokes....
a smile at the finish line....
Yet I have come to realize....
That without that...
I'm ok....

I used to believe as a little girl...
That one day I would fall in love....
And I would be happy for the rest of my life....
In all my dreams...
I never expected....
The person I'd fall in love with would be me....

Reaching my dead end....

Today I finally decided would be the day....
I moved into my new house in June... Technically I got possession on May 28, and moved in a month later because I was working out of town....
But the reality is....
I had been spying on this property for months prior to even purchasing it...
I knew the curve of the road....
The moment the ponds flooded after our "monsoon" season.....
I had memorized the colour of the tile...
The dark chocolate wood flooring....
I could close my eyes at any given moment and see the view of the farmers fields behind my house....
Yet...
With all those sights... all those intricacies I had come to know....
There was one thing I had yet to explore....
One treasure I had saved for a day when I could devote enough time... and energy to giving it the attention it so deserved.....
You see....
2.33 Miles from my front door is a trail head....
Everyday....
Several times a day I pass this trail head....
Dreaming of where it might lead....
The adventures it would take me on....
The passion that we would share...
The stories we would build....
Just me...
And my mystery trail.....
And Today....
Today I decided would be the day....
With my afternoon clear of any obligations...
The sun shining and a warmth to the fall air I laced up....
I dug out the running leashes.....
And the girls and I hit the road.....
Walking the 2.33 Miles to my trail head...
I had planned to be out no longer than 4 hours...
Thinking we could stop along the way and just enjoy the beautiful fall weather....
I had decided against bringing the "dog-pack" (a back pack that I carry my older dog in when she gets tired)....
so I knew this would be one of those long walks... where Chelsea would stop to sniff the flowers that bloomed... or rather were wilting.... while Jade would impatiently be straining at her leash....
How a person could manage to have 2 dog's that are such opposites is beyond me... but that is a whole other blog!!
SO off we went....
It took 50 minutes and a few belly rubs to get Chelsea to the trail head....
Interestingly.... the moment Chelsea's paws leave the pavement and hit the trail she becomes a new dog... she finds her spunk and is raring to go....
I feel the same way... there is something about the feel....
The smell...
The sound of a trail that brings me to life...
And this trail was no different....
In fact....
Maybe it was even more exciting...
I had saved this moment for a day when I really wanted to celebrate being alive....
And I was looking forward to the endless possibilities as to where this new trail would lead.....
And then it happened....
It stopped....
Just....
Stopped...
Down a very short hill
2.33 miles from my door....
the trail stops....
It leads no where....
I guess the reality is...
Often I get excited about where a new adventure...
A new friendship...
Where a new lease on life might lead....
And just as often as not...
I find I'm at a dead end....
sometimes miles from my home...
Or months from where I first started....
Yet....
Life goes on....
I re-route....
Or in some amazing cases...I blaze my own trail....
and create a whole new adventure....

Yes.... 2.33 miles from my front door....
There is a trail head....
And I know....
Even though it has it's own dead end...
One of these day's.... that trail and I are going to have an amazing adventure....
And I will find a way to make that trail my best friend....
But until then...
I will run every morning to that trail head....
Just to say hello...
to tell it I'm still here...
And we will still be friends....
Even if it didn't turn out to be the trail of my dreams.....
And then I will take the long way home so I can finish a solid 5 miles for the day....

Because as they say "5 miles a day... will keep the trail runners DNF away"....
(ok I made that up.... but it sounded good at the time).

Who you want to be.....

It's one of those moments where you realize you don't really know it all...
I have many of these moments... I mean let's face it...
When it really comes down to things...
I don't know nearly as much about anything I claim to....
It's just reality.....
I'm book smart... I can read...
I learn...
I retain...
I'm a fount of useless knowledge....
Just ask anyone who has had the pleasure of me en-lightening them on one of my various useless topics....
But...
When it comes to life....
Well....
I am lost....
There is no manual on how to screw up a friendship....
But after 36 years of experience.. I am certain I can probably write a new volumes....
along with....
How not to  bring up what you feel is lacking in your relationships...
And my personal favorite...
don't read too much into it... because there is nothing more there to read....
And don't forget the timeless classic...
You are the master of your own rejection....
Yet....
After all these years...
and countless journal entries I'm still treading water....
The one thing I've come to understand is this...
When it comes to life....
No matter what I'm trying to figure out...
There is only one solution for this girl....
And it is sitting patiently at the front door....
In neon green.....
Waiting for that morning embrace.....
Where we lace up and hit the road... to see where that new trial might lead us....
Yes...
It's been too long....
Too much change has happened in my life...
And now....
I am ready to go back to learning...
Loving...
And dealing with life the only way I know how....
tomorrow I will lace up...
Not to be a faster... better runner....
But to be that girl...
The one who I know I can be....
The person...
Friend...
And lover...
I desire most to be....
 And at the end of my run....
I will know that that greatest thing I will have accomplished for the day is once again finding my center....
The gift that comes from knowing...
there is nothing more freeing then a country road...
The sound of wet gravel...
and the morning moon light....

The Next Adventure...... The end of a chapter.....

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself, any direction you choose - Dr. Seuss

 

Tonight is my last night....

The closing on nearly 2 decades of devotion....

Passion....

Lively hood....

 

The experience's...

The friendships...

The houses....oh all those precious houses....

From the very largest of Large in Chicago....

To the smallest Condos in Tennessee.... 

The laughter...

The tear's....

The Champagne toast's...

The lives that have touched mine..

And for all those I have touched....

The ability to love so many people through so many years....

I will miss changing lives...

Being a part of building dreams...

Holding hands through the hardest decisions... 

Hugging through the exciting moments....

The joy of key release...

Seeing people build lives in the houses I had a part of finding...

or building....

I have seen it all....

Marriages...

Babies...

New puppies...

New Kitties...

Job Loss....

Graduation....

Transfers....

Together we faced Cancer....

And Together we beat it....

I've lost loved ones with you....

I've helped remove stains from your carpet's....

Killed your Black Widow Spiders....

I was the first call when you had your first flood....

Or when you drove into your garage door....

And although you cried... I laughed.... and by the end we both laughed until we cried....

Yes tonight I am closing a door....

To walk through another....

And I know...

Because of these memories...

These experiences...

All these amazing moments....

I will move forward with a full life...

With more Joy than one person deserves in a lifetime....

You have all had a hand in shaping who I am today....

You have prepared me for this moment....

For this next step....

And I will never forget.... 

So tonight.... where ever you are....

Raise a glass with me...

to the next chapter....

And the new adventures it may bring.....

 

 

 

The Ultimate Ultra...

In keeping a promise to myself...
I ran out and enrolled in 6 new university courses yesterday...
none of them are related....
They just appealed to me...
As I sat down to start my first course (That I'm already a couple weeks behind in)....
I excited looked over the course outline...
Fantasy and Science Fiction.... We start with the Grimm Tales.
The thought of once again engaging my brain in structured learning has me so excited....
This morning as I sat down to start my day I was inspired to download a whole new selection of crazy music...
I recently stepped way out of my comfort zone and reached out to an acquaintance about dance lessons....That email was the scariest thing I have done in years....
Monday starts my circuit training routine....
Although I'm still searching for that amazing Language program.... I am excited to start setting these changes up...
To see the change in my own heart in that past week's has shocked me....
I don't know what tomorrow holds....
I will not wait in anticipation for what may never come...
Instead I am embracing this day...
This moment...
And learning to live again.
Yes....
It's baby steps....
Like running a long distance race...
This life is my Ultimate Ultra....
My feet may get blistered..
My heart my get heavy...
I may fall and I may hurt....
But I will reach the peak's... I will traverse beautiful ridges...
Lush Valley's...
I will visit beautiful places and make amazing friendships....
I will be carried through when my days grow weary... and my legs are heavy...
And I will have the great opportunity to carry someone else....
So if you see me flying off the back of my treadmill....
Take a moment....
and slow me down....
I don't want to miss a moment...
I've already taken too much for granted...
Life is here....
I will embrace it.

Turning it all around

Evey year I try to take a personal retreat...
That time to sit down and re-evaluate the past year.
What did I do right,
What did I do wrong,
What would I change,
What would I not do again,
And what should I keep and focus on.
I prefer to do this "retreat" on some tropical Island....
Surrounded by the sound of the ocean,
The smells of the Tropic's,
The sun in my eyes....
The sand under my toes...
I believe firmly that this retreat plays a key role in my personal development.
It helps me to re-focus and address those area's in my life that are out of sync.
Interestingly enough as much as I believe in this process, 
It was something I have been neglecting to do.
Maybe I was lazy....
Or maybe I figured I was doing just fine...
or maybe I was scared to really take a good look and see my own reality....
What ever the reason...
It was a failure on my part not to take the time to meet with myself and set my life goals...
I was headed full steam down a very rocky slope when I pulled the emergency break and took my most recent detour....
The intent was to get away for a couple week's...
To sleep, and relax....
To drink some fun drinks...
work on my tan...
And soak up what ever I could of the "island time" mentality....
It was to be the perfect "recovery" escape post Ultra.
So August 19 in the wee hours of the morning I was carted off to the Air Port to begin my pilgrimage to "relaxation".... which in reality became a series of interesting mishaps....
and lessons in my own life....
Without going into too much detail (as I have a whole other post to write about the hilarity of this trip) I feel the need to share the following:

I have always believed that unless you state your intentions for all to hear you will not see them come to reality.
It is with the support of others around you,
Who respect, believe, and understand your desires...
That you will find success in life.
In the past months and years I have lost focus of those things that make me special.
My love and passion for people and real estate dwindled...
And I became bitter and negative....
Emotions I am not comfortable with, nor do I understand...
I was looking for an escape...
And pointing blame in every direction but at myself...
I believe strongly that the only way you can truly fail others is by failing yourself first...
and in this instance I failed myself miserably.
I had let go of those things that make me.... me.
I had lost sight of what was most important....
And I started to fall...
The more I fell the harder I scrambled to bring it back together...
I was drowning and did not know enough to stop and ask for someone to toss me a life raft....
And for those who did... I did not know enough to grab hold and take the support that was offered....
I am a stubborn woman....

I have come to realize in the past 2 years I have pushed away everything I held dear....
And my reasons were not for glory and success....
But rather because I was not willing to put myself out there enough to allow the potential for hurt.
I have lost 2 years, friendships, clients, and the potential for great love because I was too stubborn to let down these walls and allow someone close enough to my heart to actually get to know me.
To expose my vulnerabilities and trust people enough to know they would not use them against me as I have seen in the past...
I stopped being true to myself...
I was lonely.... alone.... and working my way towards empty.....
I filled every waking moment with Work...
I turned down and cancelled on friends constantly....
I stopped my adventure runs....
I stopped going to the gym... because it was easier to not draw attention to myself with a few extra pounds on my body....
I stopped singing...
And I stopped growing as a person....

It wasn't until the very last week of my pilgrimage, and one amazingly special friendship that I realized just how terribly I had failed myself....
So on that very last day in Miami, as I laid by the pool...
Alone in the sunshine....
I took the time to re-evaluate where I was headed...
What I wanted life to be...
And how I was going to achieve that...

I know that this is not going to be easy...
I have spent 7 years in a protective mode...
With walls so thick it would be impossible to bring them down...
but I am ready...
I am tired of living this life at arms length...
I am ready to break down some of these walls' and start letting people back in...
I am ready to start living my life once again....
Really living...
To embracing friendships...
To being vulnerable....
To finding love....
I am ready to set some rules for my work life so that I can have a life outside...
So I can be a more complete person...
I am ready to start learning and growing again....
We have been blessed with an amazing life...
And a great big world to explore...
And I am ready to embrace it....
For I know,
That as I grow in myself...
I will be  more complete...
A better friend...
Employee...
Sister...
Daughter...
Lover...

I'm nervous... excited... and prepared for the work ahead....
Because I know it will be worth it...
Life Changing....
and this time the life I'm changing is my own....

Lessons in 41F and 10Miles

Today was what I would consider my first day of vacation...
Yes I've been in Florida for 4 day's....
Yes technically my vacation started Saturday when I turned my phone off to run 70K....
but today....
Today was the first day I spent...
Just being me....
Doing what I loved...
Which is nothing more than exploring a new city.... reading a great book...
drinking amazing wine...
And thinking about work....
How I can be better...
What new systems I will implement when I return....
What new books I should buy to inspire and learn from....
Yes...
This is vacation....
It's also the very first day my feet felt healed enough to take a walk....
My left foot managed to get a wee bit of an infection on the bottom foot pad following my race...
But that is a whole other blog post....
Today...
In the sweltering heat...
I walked....
And melted...
And walked....
And melted...
And walked....
And melted some more....
I needed space...
I needed to clear my mind and to process...
So naturally I did what any runner does...
I laced up...
This vacation has left me really looking at my life...
My expectations of others...
And questioning my free trusting spirit.....
I was left wondering...
Am I really so foolish....
Did I not understand....
And where do I go from here....
I came to Florida to visit an old friend...
Someone who I felt a bond similar to family...
Someone I trusted enough to respect my needs for myself...
To give me space...
And to make no demands in any way other than friendship....
And tonight from my hotel room...
I can tell you....
After a long walk in the sweltering heat...
A walk which my Right hip is not forgiven me for yet....
I realized....
nothing in this life comes without a price.
There is a fee to everything that you touch.....
friendship...
relationships...
work....
family...
each on comes with a price....
and at some point you have to know what you are willing to pay....
Is it worth the price...
or should you walk away...
knowing there is nothing more you can do.... or at least nothing more you can do without compromising your values....
I truly believe...
because I have found it in so many....
That I am someone who is worthy of being respected...
Valued and cherished....
These are my hearts desires...
I will not settle for less...
for I know that I deserve so much more...
because as a friend... a sister...a daughter...
I offer more....
And I'm proud to be able to do that....
It is because of those...
The select few...
Who I am comfortable enough with to let myself relax with..
That I have come to realize what being valued and cherished means....
It's because of those few...
that I had that courage to stand up for myself and find a cozy...cheap hotel to start my vacation from....
So to you...
who have loved me..
Who have been my friends...
My trusted companions..
My confidants...
Thank you....
Thank you you for showing me that I am worth so much more....
You have made my life sparkle...
And I am forever grateful....

63... in a sea of 150.....

It's one of those moments where you take a breath...
panic....
and think HOLY CRAP what have I done....
The next thought is...
Did I train enough for this?
What was I thinking....
and Finally...
Wow.... the tech T's are really cute this year....
I'm number 63... in a sea of other racers. 150 Runners to be exact....
From teams to soloist's, every age shape and gender is represented....
and I am number 63.....
Female Soloist....
36 years old...
My first Ultra....
50 Miles.... and one really large hill....

Maybe there is some magic in the age and my racing number....
How they magically mirror each other....
Or maybe it's me spinning an old wives tale....
Either way... it brings me comfort....
This is a race against myself... to see just how far I can go...
To experience something that less than 1% of the population will ever experience...
to do something that I can be proud of....

Yet, This journey has not be on my own...As I look over the past 8 months I can see the sacrifice and encouragement of those around me.
My parents sending me little text's... My Dad once telling me, after my first 1/2 of the season, that I had officially run further than he....
My dogs... who looked so longingly each time I laced up without them... and Jade... for all the runs she pulled me through...
My Friends... So many of you... D, Em, B, Wayne, the Sin Skirts.... Those of you who pushed my training just a little further....
The ones who inspired... the Hiro's, Tracy's, Jon's, Jack's and Ian's in my life.....
The ones who healed... Shirley, Dan, Janice.....
My Work Team... who have become my work family.... The support, the love, the encouragement... and the crazy face book post's... for calling me the warrior princess... and telling me I'm crazy.... but mostly for stepping up to the plate so I could go play on the trails.... and for loving me no matter how nutty I became....
Yes this journey has not been alone.... no matter how many miles I logged running in the shadow's.... in the wee hours of the morning..... chasing silly trails, streets,  hill's... and dream's... I have come to realize... I have never dreamed alone....

Tomorrow at 3am my alarm will go off.... and I will prepare to face one of the stupidest... craziest... hardest adventures of my life to this date.... and I know that I will not once be alone.... no matter how hard it gets... not matter what my mind says... no matter how tired or sore... I know somewhere at that moment someone will be thinking about me... and yelling... LISA YOU ARE STILL CRAZY..... but YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH.....
And at that finish line... when I dance my ass under the banner, and pop that bottle of French Champagne.... I know you will all feel me celebrate.... if even for a moment....
And in that moment... although it may not be at the forefront.... I know I will silently be sharing and celebrating and thanking each one of you... who supported... laughed at... loved... encouraged... and pulled me through.....

And together... we will be an ULTRA...... 

Somewhere between Martin Sheen... Lady Gaga... and texting with Henkell....

Last night I took a pilgrimage...
It was unexpected...
Totally out of the blue....
But there it was...
This long trek....
From the comfort of my own couch....
To start... let me set the mood....
You see today is moving day....
I am taking all my personal possessions and carting them 30 minute across town...
As my joke goes....
to be 30 minutes closer to Canmore...
Anyone who knows me...
or has seem my little nugget of goodness in the river valley...
knows...
This move is a little bitter sweet...
I have come to really love this condo...
We have bonded over bruised knee's....
midnight run's...
Broken hearts...
And beautiful nights....
I'm sure if these wall's could talk they would have some amazingly funny moments to share...
They put up with my morning dancing...
My late night giggles at myself...
My diet schemes...
My "sufferfest moments".....
The nights I have just one to many glasses of wine and get a little nutty all by myself...
Yes if these walls could talk...
So....
In true Lisa form..
I decided to celebrate my last night with my personal possessions in my little haven....
I popped the cork on a bottle of Henkell and cozied up on the couch to bond with Netflix...
And that is where I found my pilgrimage...
It was not even a good movie...
The acting was mediocre....
There was no real story line...
Just once mans quest to get from point A to point B...
And the people he met along the way...
And somewhere in these 2 hours and 12 minutes of trekking...
I realized...
I need to do this quest....
So foolishly...
After a bottle of bubbly and 2 hours of dreaming about this trek...
I texted a friend and tried to convince him to join me....
Mostly because his vacation time works with mine....
but also because I know my parents would not support me trekking 800K in Spain all by myself...
After a few confusing texts....to which I'm certain my friend thinks I'm a total nut job....
The movie ended...
and I headed to bed...
Where I continued  my quest through the night....
And this morning...
I woke...
With a new clarity....
A funny one to be honest...
Maybe it was the bubbly...
Or the fact I spent 3 nights in a row in my own bed instead of an air mattress....
But I've come to realize some fantastic things about myself....
And where I'm headed....
Foolishly...
I recently thought I should re-enter the dating scene....
I've been lonely for that one person to enjoy my adventures with...
To call at night when I'm stressed...
To laugh with...
Argue with...
And love....
but last night...
There it was...
As I slept a peaceful....
Bubbly encouraged sleep....
I have an amazing life...
I have some amazing friends...
This journey I am on is not alone...
I have so many people sharing it....
Laughing with me...
challenging me...
teaching me...
Loving me....
It doesn't matter if I go to Spain... (although I am seriously going to try and talk my friend into this!!)
I have the most amazing adventure greeting me every day....
With some of the most amazing..
Crazy...
Good Hearted...
genuine people life could ever throw my way....
Yep...
All I have to do is take a look at my face book photos to be reminded...
I have a cool life...
I am blessed...
And I have done this by myself...
For me....
Yep...
Martin Sheen....
Henkell....
and a Morning of Dancing with Lady Gaga have proven to me...
My life is awesome...

"ism's".....

I am known to have little "lisa-ism's"....
Quirky little sayings and quotes...
funny word misplacement's...
my own pronunciations...
and so on....
The key thing for me is all of them I say and stand behind with great conviction.
People who know me well embrace these funny little "words"....
And just roll with it...
Those who don't know me well often look at me like I'm 1/2 nuts....
But it's those who are either trying to understand me...
Or who think they should be correcting me that are the funniest to hang out with....
Take for instance the Vodka press.
I've called it a push for about 15 years...
Most bar tenders just look at me like I'm an idiot and make me a press with  a twist...
but every once in a while someone feels the need to remind me that its a press... not a push...
Honestly... I don't care...
Just make the dang drink...
Another favorite of mine is boinking vs. bonking....
I boink on a trail...
everyone else bonks....
And I don't care...
Boinking sounds more...me...
I realize that to many of you it has a totally different meaning...
But to me...
boinking has this amazing mental image of me...
Hitting that great wall...
Stumbling...
Falling...
And boinking right back up....
with pep in my step...
Bounce in my pounce...
to defeat the remaining trail...
Way better than bonking...
Which is a heavier sounding...
hit the wall...
Fall flat on your face and BONK your down....
I've never been able to pronounce the word Iron...
I just cannot....
It refuses to form on my lips...
Just as much as my body refuses to perform the task...
Instead...
I take my things in to be pressed :)
My Chicago Friends giggle at the way I say Mommy and sorry....
Here is where I draw the line...
I'm right...
My Mom is my mom... not my mAm.... (sorry my little Italian friend... I'm right your totally off base!!)
And the list goes on... and on... and on...
The reality is...
If you read this blog...
Or hang with me long enough...
You will begin to embrace these Lisa-ism's...
You may even find yourself using them from time to time...
And as we get to know each other even better...
You will begin to see that there are so many more "-ism's" that surface....
they are a part of who I am...
Just as much as my love for the trails...
My love for my clients...
And my poopy dog's...
Its amazing what one person can come up with when left alone in their own head for hours on end....

Shattered.....

There are pieces of me ....
Smiles..
Laughs...
Tears....
little bits of my heart...
Warmth...
Tenderness....
Passion.....
Rare moments of anger....
Flashes of lightening in my peaceful world....
All these wonderful bits that make me who I am...
Little moments in time.....
That stack up to create one whole....
And these pieces are scattered through out the years...
From mountain tops...
To dusty terminals...
To the Hawaiian sands....
Scattered...
Held by other lands...
Other times....
some by precious people I have chosen to share a little bit of my heart with....
Sometimes I wonder...
With all these bits scattered...
Do those of you who hold a part of me understand that it's a gift?
Do you cherish it...
As I cherish the bit's and pieces that have been left with me.....
Do you even know it's there???
Yes...
I am convinced that there are little pieces of me...
Some laying dormant...
To be awakened when I find them again...
In the same way my heart sings when I turn that corner and catch my first glimpse of the three sisters...
When I feel the arms of a good friend embrace me....
And some....
Ready to take the leap...
into the arms or memory of another person or place....
Some are meant to be precious moments in time...
Laughter...
tenderness...
Love....
And some are meant to be broken....
Each little bit....
creating one whole....
until  I am complete....
One person...
Made up of millions of little pieces....

Dreaming.....

I feel like I should be blogging tonight...
About what I'm not certain...
On one hand I had such an amazing weekend....
Embracing good friends..
Spending time getting to know another friend better...
yet on the other hand....
I left the weekend with a really rough day to follow....
I've come to realize I'm really breaking....
It's not a bad thing...
It's just reality...
I've taken on too much...
My "helpful" personality has once again embraced more than it can hold....
I've also come to realize it's been over 2 years since my last REAL vacation...
You know the kind...
Where you go away... by yourself...
With no agenda....
but to be by yourself...
To feel the sand between my toes..
Taste the salt water on my lips...
to soak in the sunshine....
And lose myself in a haze of nothing...
As the song says.... "nowhere to go, no where to be..."
Thanks to a weekend spent with a good friend...
I've had that feeling once again stirred up....
The longing to just lose myself...
To not have to worry about this clients need's...
Or the companies staffing...
Or the lack of sales in my portfolio in the past 2 weeks...
A place where I can let go....
and breathe....
A place where I can laugh....
At nothing but the breeze as it teases it's way by....
A place where I can beleive in romantic notions...
and silly dreams...
if only for a few moments....
a place where I can embrace adventure...
With no timeline....
no responsibility...
no finish line...
no cell phone...
Just me...
my heart...
and my adventure....
So often I have voiced my desire for less...
The need for balance...
for peace...
yet I don't hold true to myself...
and my desires...
I keep plugging along...
scared of what will happen if I let go...
If I stop long enough to be just with me....
I guess that is one more fear I'll have to let go of...
For I've come to realize this weekend...
That with each passing day I am getting older...
And I deserve more...
I deserve to learn to beleive in love...
To trust without question...
To climb the mountain trails...
To feel the sand between my toes...
to spend time with my friends...
Those who love me most...
I deserve to live...
to laugh...
To love...
And to be loved....

Sexy toes and scabby kness.....

There is something to be said about scabby knee's....
Deep set bruises....
Scars....
war wounds that we wear with pride.
Little medals of honor...
A testament to our bravery...
Our courage...
And that moment where we lost focus....
Just long enough to take a good long tumble...
Yes...
I love my scabby knee's!!
What brought this little rant on your might ask....
consider this for a moment....
My recent trail adventure had left my cute toes chipped... and in a bad state of repair...
I was humiliated at how they looked peaking out from my sandals...
And even more horrified at the idea of showcasing them in the stunning new champagne stilettos... with a cute little toe peep I just purchased....
Never mind that my silky dress is not even knee length and the full glory of my knee will be showcased....
I had a toe issue going on.....
I beleive... no matter how banged up I get... my toes should always be the picture of perfection....
Probably because I have an amazing toe keeper....
Who gives stellar calf massages... and laughs over each of my wounds with me....
And I also have the romantic dream of some dashing man massaging my cute toes after a long day on the trails....
Sadly...
this time I had to cheat on my amazing toe friend...
Being 3 hours from home and having a wedding in 24 hours I knew I had to call in for reinforcements....
As I sat in the big chair waiting for the pampering to begin my "new lady" looked at my knee with horror....slight revulsion... and then disgust....
oh yea... it's that good... and it's been healing.... if only she saw it 3 days ago!!
The funny thing is... this reaction transported me back to a a place about the same time last year... where I had crashed my road bike and was covered in an amazing rainbow of bruises...
And the reaction of one of my friends...how disgusted he was... and how I felt almost dirty for being "marked".....
The reality is....
I love my bruises...
I love my wounds...
They shine brighter than diamonds...
and are worth more than all my possessions combined...
Each scrape... each scar.... each colorful bruise tells a story...
And each story holds a piece of my heart....
So tomorrow when I strap on those amazing shoes...
And I slide into that silky dress....
I'll add a little sparkle to that glorious knee....
And I'll be proud....
And to all of you who think it's disgusting...
Dirty...
That girls shouldn't have scabby knee's....
I'll tell you this...
I am no girl...
I am 100% female....
I am 100% woman....
And I find scabby knee's sexy.....

Where ever the trail leads......

Recently I had a friend tell me he thought life was a test....
Just one big learning experience that we are to traverse our way through....
The ups and downs that lead us to that final exam....
I'm not one to often disagree with someone I respect...
But in this case he is totally wrong...
Life to me is not a test.
Its an adventure.
Series of amazing experiences that create who we are...
The very fabric of our being....
I've always felt that each person, each experience we embrace is meant to create us into better versions of ourselves.
Each person is a gift... who has something valuable to share...
And you... you are meant to touch each life you come in contact with...
Good or bad... your purpose on this earth is to impact lives...
Looking at my own adventure to this date I can easily tell you those of you who held the deepest impact.... and those who quietly walked by...
Today....
I'm thinking specifically about 3 people....
One who tore me apart... so I could build myself back up...
The most precious gift I've ever been given....
The gift of myself.. inner strength...
Self Respect...
Self Love....
Yet... he stole something precious...
My belief in real love...
Trust...
and value....
The second... a dear friend who pushed me back to the trails...
Who challenged me from afar... sharing his mountain passion through his words...
Igniting in me that fire again....
through the encouragement...
The kindness... and the challenge placed before me...
I embraced each trail on my own...
Learning to trust myself again...
To be strong for myself...
To really love myself.. to laugh with myself...
To embrace my life....
Because of you....
I am content with me... just being me....
I have grown...
I have developed a deeper passion for the trails...
And I have come to love you as my dearest brother....
And lastly...
My most beautiful friend....
The one who suffered so much while I too suffered...
Who showed me that we can move on...
no matter how broken....
it is because of you dear friend...
I once again beleive in love....
I beleive in relationships...
You have proven to me that no matter how strong we are...
This adventure is far better shared than faced alone...
You have shown me that there is a perfect friendship out there...
The kind that challenges you to grow...
The kind that makes you a better you...
The kind that respects your space...
Your need to be you...
While enhancing everything you are....
Tomorrow I will toast you...
I will love you...
And I will watch with the rest of the world as you take this journey with your best friend....
And I will know that I am a better person....
Because you have shown me that no matter how hard the journey is...
No matter how scary....
If we don't take that first step...
We might miss out on something magical....
you my friend have once again made me beleive in love....
and made me realize that it is time I stepped out of my own shadow and took a leap of faith...
and I am forever grateful....
Just be warned....
It's your turn to pick up the pieces...
Spy on blind dates...
And laugh at me behind my back as I moon over my perfect friend.....
Yes...
I beleive life is an adventure....
And I'm ready....
Ready to share it....
Or face it on my own....
where ever the trail may lead...

leaving it all out there.... a sin 7 adventure

There are thousands of things I have learned while running in  the dark... those of you who know me well know that this is my passion....
The unnatural... somewhat naughty feeling of running through the deserted streets while the rest of the natural world sleeps has always held my attention...
but for me...
the greatest thrill....
the biggest desire....
Is night running on  mountain trail...
Where you have nothing..
But you and nature at every turn....
I can still hear the first rushing creek as I was running at a great pace down hill...
Breaking the rules I had one ear bud in to help keep me focused while I set my sights on catching my one competitor that I had to beat..
I was startled... curious if it was a bear growling at first....
then I realized... the sound was nothing of an animal... rather mother nature rushing...
Over rocks and terrain....
Rushing towards nothing in the crisp dark mountain air....
And that is what not only terrified me... but delighted me...
That first real rushing.... dark.... creek crossing...
It was there in the icy cold water that I knew....
This was going to be one of the most amazing adventures I will ever embrace....
My speed picked up...
My mood soared....
I was on top of the world....
Slowly...
I reeled them in...
Competitor after competitor...
11 in total...
Laughing...
Singing....
Pushing onward as there is no tomorrow....

Each up and down brought a new delight...
a challenge to be encountered.... approached and conquered....

I couldn't tell you how many creeks I crossed....
it had to be at least 7.....
what I can tell you is that each time I heard the rush of mother nature... my pace quickened...
Eagerly I greeted each one... with passion.. excitement and respect....

then came that glorious moment...
I could see the transition station lights and I knew...
I had devoured the first leg of my journey....
As I approached the transition line I began to search for the chip timer.... the all mighty...
You must never lose this chip... device...it is your being... all you are in this race...
And that is when it happened...
I lost focus for a mere moment... and I was attacked by the very trail I had so enjoyed...
As the rocks came up to greet me I had no defense but my right hip...
Down I went taking a large rock into my hip bone....
Feeling it connect....
Based on adrenaline alone I rushed to the finish line....
Timed in...
Changed my wet  muddy shoes and started on....
To leg 7....
The climb from hell....
It was there I knew I was in trouble...
I had turned in my hand held light based on the fact my head lamp was throwing so much light...
It was to lighten my load and help my propel myself up the hill...
Never once did I imagine that it would be art of the down fall of my amazing race....
I had given myself an allowance of 20 minutes for the climb based on my previous years numbers....
Anything more would be tragic...
Besides... I knew after the climb things would even out and start slopping to the finish.... (duhn dhun daaaaahn)
7 minutes into my climb I knew i was in trouble... the pain from my hip was referring into my lower back... making each step count....
17 minutes to the turn.. I was ready to embrace relief....
looking forward to a nice gentle slope to the finish....
I was under my climb time and feeling...
good....
Sadly....
This is where the course changed from the previous year....
I cannot tell you what it was.... beyond exposed rock... technical trail... scree... steep up and down....
And pain....
What ever happened the combination... along with fatigue and an altered gait was my demise....
7-8 k in I took my final fall...
I felt the impact in my knee... my hand ripped open and warm goo started to coat my hand and arm....
about the same time my head lamp started to act up...
I had 5 k to go...
I was scared of loosing light...
I was hurt....
And I was determined....
I pushed forward...
doing my best to keep my pace at a 9KM ph... a power walk....
One look at my blood soaked hand and the world began to spin....
you will not faint I yelled inside my head... you are stronger you will complete this....
Pushing forward...
My head lamp dies....
and I am left with the light of the moon and the lightening in the distance to push me onward....
one step at a time...
Running where I could...
I was determined to make it under 2 hours....
I reached the final pavement and knew I had 4.5 K to go....
At 1 km left I met my final aid station and was greeted with shouts of medic... help needed wounded runner.... I realized then it was me they were shouting at....
I had no idea up to that point just how bloody I had become....
The blood coating my knee and hand were disgusting...
Not only was I unaware of my wounded my knee I was not registering the pain due to my hip....
Alarm rushed through me.... and immediately I felt the pain....
I begged the aid station not to call ahead for a medic as I was worried that it would scare my team...
With a promise to head to the medic as soon as I finished I pushed...(more like trudged on....).
My head was spinning...
My body was screaming....
I wanted nothing but a warm hug to tell me it would be alright....
The remainder is a blurr... I know I finished... I have a medal to prove it....
I know I saw the medic.... and fought hard not to throw up and pass out while they attempted to clean me...
I recall being directed to shower.... and given a small towel and soap....
I know I went back the the medic and there were two ladies....
and I remember passing out in my car....
At one point a friend came to help me get back to the bed and breakfast...
I think I cried.... 

Today.... I ache... from head to toe....
Yet I know I would do it all again....
My daddy once said to me... after a good tumble on one of my mountain adventures....
Lisa... you run enough trails your bound to fall down....
It was my time....
And I took it for all it was worth....
Tomorrow is a new day....
And I will embrace it...
Love it... and face it....
HEAD ON....
Because there is no other way...

Letting go.....

I spoke about you today...
Really spoke about you...
not the typical glaze over....
but real things....
How you made me feel when we first met...
How beautiful you were.... 
How I fell....
deeply...
Head over heels...
Until I could see nothing but you...
How my family originally fell for you...
How foolish we all were....
Your smile...
your cute white hat...
Your jeans....
The way you walked into a room that made my heart stop.....

I spoke of you...
With out anger or hatred...
With out bitterness or sorrow...
but just because I finally could....

For the first time...
I let go a little bit...
Just enough....
Because I was ready.....

And I know someday soon....
I'll be ready to let go a little more....
And I will not feel powerless...
I will not feel empty....
I will not be scared...
I will not be ashamed...

For you were a lesson I needed to learn...
A stepping stone to make me a better me....

And although I still have a way's to grow.....
I am a better person because I spoke of you.....

Embracing Change

they say change is inevitable...
Which could explain why I'm sitting on an air mattress in yet another new location... day dreaming about what tomorrow might hold....
Only this time... This new location belongs to me...
It'sf been almost a year to the day since I started the wheels in motion....
The realization that my life was either stalled... or just not where it should be at this point brought some serious contemplation...
and some drastic... and some what immediate action.
The decision to move back to Chicago was an easy one....
I've never really found that place in Edmonton... where I truly felt I belonged....
Chicago hold's my heart....
Memories....
and a future....
The hardest part about deciding to move back to Chicago....
Was decided to no move at all....
The gut wrenching sickness in that final decision....
The sadness at a dream lost....
The longing for the humid day's...
The smell of the south side....
The people....
And in that moment I made another drastic change...
Choosing my career over everything else....putting my faith.... my lively hood... and my trust in a person...a company I hardly knew....
Giving everything I had to carve a place for myself in this company....

Change comes once again....
In the ability to look at my mentor as a friend now...
And honestly say... it's time for me to alter my habits... to focus on me a little more so I can be more effective for you....
A time to reach out and let people in a little closer....
A time to face some of the items that I have been holding so tightly too...
Scared if I let them go my life will somehow.....change....

They say it takes time.... baby steps.... one foot in front of the other...
And so as I lay here tonight on my air mattress....
Looking out my new window....
I'm excited...
Nervous....
And curious....
About this Change....